The Rappist

Well, my name is Schäffer and I'm here to say
I can rock the mic in the old school way
I got a funky sound
And right about now I'd like to break it down
Uh, uh, say "what"

Don't call it hip-hop because it's really isn't
If you listen it's similar but just a little different
Rhythmically delivered lyrics over wicked beats
Are the end of this and hip-hop's similarities
'Cause I don't bounce and I don't do rap hands
See look at me I look like an ass, man
No crew, no gin and juice
I'm no Dr. Dre I'm more like Dr. Seuss
I wouldn't use the word rapper it's rather inaccurate
I do talk fast use rhyming words like immaculate
Hubba Bubba bubble gum
Bubblelicious bubble yum
Rubber baby buggy bumpers, this is dumb
I don't rap about the ladies all or individuals
Or call my bitchin' about the world political
I don't send shout-outs I don't ever front
I just discuss a bunch of goofy stuff and say "what"

I'm not the badest or the fastest or the phattest
My name is STD my people call me the rappist
I'm no rapper this isn't hip-hop
Call me the rappist and you don't stop

Well I'm not the badest or the fastest or the phattest
My name is STD my people call me the rappist

Everyone'll wonder what the booker was under when I come out and step to the mic
You were asking for a rapper, instead you got the rappist
And it happens that there's no one I'm like
Outta sight

I don't freestyle, I only write my words and I'm singin' it
To me wingin' it's for the birds

I often get asked too by non-rappin' band nerds
STD is the abbreviation for standard

GO
No DJ, no need for turntables
Just give me my box, a 58, and a cable
An on stage DI and some monitors, too
Get the reverb of my mix sound man, thank you

And I don't play tough and say "Step the fuck back"
What the fuck is that? That's not how I act
I like to keep my audience up close to the stage
I'd you rather you stay than chased away when I play

So where's Queens at? What? Where's Queens at? What?
Dude let me show you on this street map
It's right here over Roosevelt, across the East river
That's enough of that crap
I got some raps to deliver
Ohhh

Everybody, look at me
Who's he? He's STD
He's a geek, he's no MC
Just who the hell's he s'posed to be
And he's so, I dunno
I know he's no rapper and that's when I go
Ho-tel, Mo-tel, Holiday Inn

Killer outta sight, it's the rappist delight
When goosebumps are jumpin' outta your skin, I win
I don't dance, never, not a god damn chance
I stand in the back clutching a cup in my stance
One hand in my pocket, head nodding, hunched over
Sippin' cheap, yellow beer, clear out before the show's over

When a rapper says "throw your hands up" I don't
When a rapper says "make some noise" I won't
Bossing your audience is awfully pompous
So I'll never do it, that's the STD promise

I'll never battle rap or rap like I'm black
And I'll try to never lose sight of just where I'm at
Goddamnit!
And I'll never do that again
And by that I mean end a sentence with a preposition

I got props for the real hip-hop
Those who pop and lock to the beat of a boombox
Those who cock their Glocks and yell "Fuck the cops!"
It's just not how I rock and I don't stop

Everybody, look at me
Who's he? He's STD
He's a geek, he's no MC
Just who the hell's he s'posed to be
And he's so, I dunno
I know he's no rapper and that's when I go

Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge
And I'm tryin' not to lose my head
In the west, I'm the raddest, I'm the best, I'm the rappist
In the street I've not a drop of cred

I said
I almost always write my rhymes on a page of 3 by 5 notebooks I buy at Rite Aid
And I like to write 'em with a Pilot Precise 5, rolling ball, black ink, and extra fine

I don't need a titular line (try)
Stickin' to my themes and write original rhymes

Indeed, I smoke weed, I rarely write without it
But I don't really feel that means I need to rap about it
I guess I often write song by my formula
Which is 3s followed by 3 es
But never open going "yo, yo!"
When I hear a rapper do that I go "oh, no!"

Though I'm not implyin' that you don't know what you're doin'
But often times awful rhymes do ruin an otherwise perfectly fine instrumental
I think you should avoid ink and write with a pencil
And erase the parts that don't sound so hot
This'll all be covered in my workshop entitled "This is How to Write a Rhyme"
At least it's how to write it in a style that's mine

Everybody, look at me
Who's he? He's STD
He's a geek, he's no MC
Just who the hell's he s'posed to be
And he's so, I dunno
I know he's no rapper and that's when I go

Oooh oooh
That's the sound of the police but I really doubt they're coming for me
Because I've done no crime, I'm just doin' my thing
I'm the rappist known as STD

Don't call it hip-hop because it really isn't
It's just a little different, did you listen as I did it
I just spit a mile a minute now I'll hit it 'n quit it
I'm only kiddin', you with it? You in it? You get it?

Well, I'm not the baddest or the fastest or the phattest
My name is STD my people call me the rappist

Bass
How low can you go? Deathrow
What a brotha knows

This is the end of the track called "The Rappist"
And thanks for comin' out to the show