Quest for the Golden Frog

Prof. Elemental: So yeah, basically it lunged at me
Its claws bared and its teeth clumped together
So of course I shot it in the face!
Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be Princess Anne...

Oh, s-sorry?
Oh, Is the mic on?
Oh hello? Hello?
Right-o
Well thank you Lord Bucksley
And I, I'd like to welcome you to this lecture
Of the Gentlemen's Club of the Empire!

Uh, in front of you you'll find your Brain-O-Matic helmets
It's a marvelous device
Which will conjure pictures of my exploits directly into your delicate heads
If you'd like to attach the electrodes and then simply insert the spinal syringe...
Ah, there we go!
Well. Let's begin!

Attention Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Professor Elemental recommends
My lecture, meant for special friends
Attend my adventure to the very end

My quest was risky, my role was odd
I set out for the mystic golden frog!
(Oooh!)
It was the stuff of legends
Said to give the bearer a glimpse of Heaven!
Plus, it was quite shiny

So in preparation
First I drew a map from my imagination,
Packed my battenberg and my absinthe
Marmoquin, blunderbuss, and my collapsing magic staff!
Plus a tea-pot and some proper grey
Stoke the fire, set the bellows
Come on fellows, chocks away!

A-ha! To find the frog...

HEY YOU!
Pack your bags, it's time to trip,
With the good Professor so ride the ship,
Exotic dancer third, then scientist,
But explorer first, so I enlist
YOU!

Pack your bags, it's time to trip,
With the good Professor so ride the ship,
Exotic dancer third, then scientist,
But explorer first

Week one:
Crash-landed near Tanzania,
Surrounded by savages in rabbit ears
Before you could say "My good man, how queer!"
I held aloft my magic spear!
"In the name of the empire, bring me the frog!"
Amazingly, they made me their king or their god
I didn't think this was odd until we got to the volcano
Hotter than my stage show
Time for me to lay low...

Week two:
I used my string to tie bamboo poles
A useful thing
I roll in to surf the rising tide
I feel alive like a viking
Time to ride to the ship
In a storm, how exciting!
Let's take to the skies with the power of lightning!
Launch the nets Geoffery!
It's going to be a rough ride

HEY YOU!
Pack your bags, it's time to trip
With the good Professor
So ride the ship
Exotic dancer third, then scientist
Explorer first, so I enlist
YOU!

Week three:
No closer to finding the frog
But I had an absinthe party
With the Munchkins of Oz!
No trouble to come in to land
For opium, tea and mushrooms in Wonderland
(More tea?)

And this is something grand
From London to Australia, my cunning plan
Was completely and utterly unsuccessful!
So I left to go settle back at home with my kettle

For the rest I need -
You'll never guess what was hiding under the settee!
Yes! It's the frog! Oh, pardon me
I forgot, I won it in a wager last week!

...That is embarrassing, isn't it?
A little bit of a waste of time, really
Geoffrey must have tucked it under there, I suppose...
Well, anyway
Uh, thank you for coming!
Ah, I hope you consider my application for funding
For next year's trip to find life on Mars
I know the chances of anything coming to Earth
Are a million to one, or so they say
But I disagree, really!
And I think that...
Oh, hello? Hello?
Oh, where's everyone gone?