A Very Bad Man

[(Spoken)]
[Schaffer:]
Hello. Schaffer.
[Erin:]
Hi, I'm Erin.
[Schaffer:]
Erin? It's a pleasure to meet you Erin.
[Erin:]
Oh, likewise! I'm a big, big fan!
And let me just say, you we're amazing tonight!
[Schaffer:]
Aww. Thank you so much. You're far too kind.
[Erin:]
Oh, I mean it. I think you're incredible!
[Schaffer:]
I truly appreciate that. It's been a pleasure meeting you.
Now could you excuse me for just a moment...
[Erin:]
Of course, Mr. Schaffer.
[Schaffer:]
Thank you...

[(Rap)]
Now, when I came and shook your hand,
Did you get the feeling that,
You'd been introduced to a nice man? And,
Did my eye contact and winning smile leave you disarmed?
Were you taken by my charm?

Well, it was all bull-shit,
Oooh, Snap!
My nice guy act is just that, an act,
You sap!
You're a savvy as a child.
God, I wear a sheep suit tailored for a wild dog,
As I hawk an "Aww Shucks" routine which you've been buyin,
The Trojan horse bait'n switch,
Which behind, I hide a vile id driven demon,
With no remorse or feelins',
Only give a shit about one guy,
And he is me and I,
Can't stand my friends, don't respect my fans,
I'm a devil on another level,
You can't understand.
Such a cad I oughta rock a fanny pack and a doo rag,
Ooh man, I'm a total douche bag.

Yeah,
And all the people go, "Please just say it isn't so,
You're really so nice! Right, Bro?",
No, I'm a bad man,
I'm a very bad man, (Hah, ha)
I'm a very very bad bad man,
And all my people see only what they wanna see,
Trust me, you don't wanna trust me,
'Cause, see, I'm a bad man,
I'm a very bad man, (Suckers!)
I'm a very very bad bad man.

Look you in the eye and I will chuckle while you weep,
Spend the night and I'll slip dollars out your wallet while you sleep.
I'll take a sex tape,
Maybe one that me and an ex made,
Digitize it, get it on the internet the next day,
Call her up and ask her if she wants to get back together,
Whatever she says I'll giggle that her sister was better,
Never keep a secret, nor an allegiance,
And, yeah, I'll gladly do a dance around a parapalegic,
Children scream in fear when I'm near I'm guessin' maybe it's,
'Cause I explain the Santa myth to little kids I baby sit.
I don't believe in god, I won't ever go to heaven,
And I think I might've even had a hand in 9/11,
And I got a lot of...
Hey, wait, whoa, what?
Too soon?
Quit your crying,
Boo Hoo.
You don't like it?
Screw you.
And you too, all of you,
You fell for a trick,
You're even worse than me, 'cause you admire me,
And I'm a prick!

And everybody I've ever met begins to cry,
They realize I'm not a nice guy and that,
I'm a bad man,
I'm a very bad man,
I'm a very very bad bad man,
And every friend and fan I've ever had is very sad,
They've all been had by a bad scam,
Damn, I'm a bad man!
I'm a very bad man,
Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, BadMan!

I've never paid a compliment I actually meant,
You know I've never done a thing without malicious intent,
'Cause I'm detestable, despicable,
My ways'll make you sick until,
You can't believe you ever spoke to me,
I'm a miserable back stabber,
And all of my colleagues are bad rappers,
Diss 'em to their bands,
Heckle them mad,
And ask 'em, "What's the matter?"
Crack an age joke all of y'all'll call appalling
I punched an eight year old in the mouth,
For talking during Wall-E,
While I'm making great joy,
I toy with other people's lives,
Cheatin' on my marriage with my best friend's wife,
I relish breaking bad news to rooms of cancer patients,
Explain to babies where they come from,
With some illustrations.
One day you'll heed these words and stay away from me,
But for now your all just fawning fans who buy my CDs,
I'm a cheat, a thief, a user,
You know this is true.
Or is it?
'Cause I'm kind of a compulsive liar, too.

And all the people go, "Please just say it isn't so,
You're really so nice! Right, Bro?",
No, I'm a bad man,
I'm a very bad man, (You gonna cry?)
I'm a very very bad bad man,
And all my people see only what they wanna see,
Trust me, you don't wanna trust me,
'Cause, see, I'm a bad man,
I'm a very bad man, (Fuck you...)
I'm a very very bad bad man.

[Erin:]
Ah... Oh - kay...