Gone to Oregon

Good morning (Good morning)

We stand before the journey
That leads us all to Oregon (to Oregon)

A pioneer adventure
Down the trail
To Oregon (to Oregon)
To Wisconsin
Grandpa?
What? My legs hurt

By God's command we dare to land in
Wisconsin!
We're going to Oregon, Grandpa
I wanna go to Wisconsin

The promised land will not wait for us
We leave our home with faith and trust
We'll find the place of our destiny
And spread our family seed
(We'll find the place of our destiny and spread our family seed)

Now the show begins
Ah-ah-hum

Now our journey begins
In the 1800's
In a little city in Missouri
Before we start, you decide on the names
Of all the people in your wagon party

You must decide who these pioneers are
Are they carpenters, or bankers, or leaving their farm?
It's time to spin a personal yarn
Carefully choose each name
Cause this is more than a game
(It's more than a game)
(Oh yeah, it's more than a game - no two shows will ever be the same)

My first pioneer will be President Polk
I know he'd be a good leader of the wagon
Good job, now dear, that's what we're going for
You'd be extra careful not to kill him

I think I would use my Mom and Dad's name, of course
So I'll make sure they'll never get divorced
That might be too much information
But hey! It's great to have a personal connection

I would make my family rich!
They'd be bankers from New York
Richie, Johnny, Emily, and Peter, and Sue
Their bank fell down now they're poor!
That's great kids, keep up the good work!

Hey Grandpa, what would your names be?
Oh, well let me tell ya:
Dick-Suck, Dick-Face, Hairy-Tit, and Dr. Buttnugget
Heh heh
Grandpa? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
What? They're names
Hairy-Tit? Grandpa you're setting a bad example for our pioneers here
You're going to make them think it's a good
Idea to name their wagon parties stupid things
Well they should

We are gone
To Oregon
It's the greatest family vacation!
It'll bring us together
Couldn't think of nothing better
Heck! Time for some family fun
On the trail to Oregon

All right pioneers, what do you say?
What would you like to name me, your wagon leader?
(Jack Bauer!)
Jack Bauer? I like the sound of that!
(Yeah!)
I'm Jack Bauer, a farmer from Illinois
All my skills will be useless on the trail
My beautiful family is counting on me
A lot of pressure, I can't afford to fail!

Alright pioneers, now what would you like to name your wagon mother?
(Slippery When Wet!)
That is Slippery When Wet! That's super sexy
(Yeah!)
I'm Slippery When Wet, and I'm a mother of two
Could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do
Why did you get to choose?

Well, honey,
I don't know if you know this, but I wrote the show
Just how this one goes
Yeah, well we're not gonna get very far as a bunch of fuckin' farmers
All right honey

Well no wagon party is complete without a litter of youngin's,
The eldest of which is Slippery When
Wet and Jack Bauer's teenage daughter
What would you like to name her?
(Mouthface!)
Mouthface? I'll take it!
Now what about our all-American son with a face like apple pie?
(Craphole!)
Hmm, Craphole? That sounds good!
(Yeah!)
Craphole, yeah that's me!
I'm seven and I'm male
Mouthface is what my friends call me
I'm looking for love on the trail
Ew! Gross!

I hope you're bit by a snake!
I hope you break your back!
Hey I found wild fruit
Pay attention, Dad
Are we gonna stop at the forts?
I forgot to shave
Did we bring enough food?
We could write on Grandpa's grave

Everyone just behave
Because it's only a game
(It's only a game, I guess it's only a game)
(The Trail to Oregon is nothing but a game)
We'll be there soon
In Oreg-oon
Honestly it beats milking cow tits
We could be in a kitchen doing something with a chicken
But we couldn't give less of a crap
'Cause we're making it to Oreg-ap

All right pioneers, let's get a move on
Now wait a minute you shickenkit son of a bitch
You forgot my name
How could I forget?
What would you like to name our lovely Grandpa?
(Titty Mitty!)
Titty Mitty? I like that name!
Of course you do
(Yay!)

It's time to run to Oregon
It's too late to change the show now
You could go next door and see something professional
We wouldn't blame you a bit
It beats sitting through this Ore-shit
We're Broadway-bound in Oreg-ound
Cause there's no Broadway in Chicago
Who will forget their name?
And who will get the YouTube fame?
These are questions to ask
When you're playing Oreg-ask
It's more than a game
Life is really great
On the trail to Oreg-ate!