HEAVY BREATHER

I was on tour driving between Hamburg and Berlin with my friend Yanis
Who had booked the tour for me
We spent the last few days together
And I'm naturally very isolationist classic only child
I spent most of that tour in a state of high anxiety
Worried that I was being rude
Worried that Yanis
And his germanically outgoing friends didn't like me
And I remember in that car driving between Hamburg and Berlin
Going to sneeze and— and and holding it in
And then needing to sneeze again 
Because that's how the human body works
And then holding it in again
And doing this three or four times in a row
I felt like I was going to break a rib
And soon after that my nose started to run
And I felt ashamed of myself
Because I knew I would have to blow my nose in front of another person
This filled me with terror for some reason

There's a similar problem I have when I share a bed with someone
When I become acutely aware of how heavily I breath
How repulsive I must be to the person next to me
And so I try to fix this by not breathing
By holding my breath in as long as I can then letting it out
As slowly as possible

It struck me in that car on the way to Berlin
That my being alive in any given situation is
In some way an imposition
An invasion of everyone else's space and an abuse of their patience
Somewhere in the core of me
Anyone the reach of rational thought
Sitting plump on a throan of twigs and berry less brambles
The belief that being human is something worth apologizing for
I still have not processed this

But I did write a song about it
In the car
While my nose was running
And it was the first song I had written in months
And it was the beginning of what would become
the album you are listening to

My name's Matt
This is The Narcissist Cookbook