The Squip Song

Freshman year
I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue
I was a loser just like you
Good times would only soar by
I was gross
As every female would attest
My sexting was a futile quest
My little penis was depressed
He was so lonely
Poor guy

I was hopeless, hopeless
I was helpless, helpless
Every time I'd walk the hallway
I would trip
I was stagnant and idle
I was so suicidal
And then
Then, then. Then, then
Then, then. Then, then
Then, then.
Then, then I got a squip

You got quick?

Not quick
Squip

I've just never heard of it before

Yeah, that's the point
This is some top secret,
can't even look it up on the internet, shit
It's from Japan
It's a gray oblong pill
Quantum nano technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
will travel through your blood
Until it implants in your brain
and it tells you what to do

So...
It's like... drugs?

It's better than drugs, Jeremy
It's from Japan
It's a gray oblong pill
Quantum nano technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
will travel through your blood
Until it implants in your brain
and it tells you what to do
It tells you what to do
It's preprogrammed
It's amazing
Speaks to you directly
You behave as
It's appraising
Helps you act correctly
Helps you to be cool
It helps you rule

Picture this
Nobody cares if you are late
Cause even teachers think you're great
Your weekend's just a full-on slate of blowout benders
Of teenage rockstars splendor
Right now you're helpless, helpless
You are almost hopeless
On the school social map you're just a blip
But if you take my advice
And if you pay the listed price
Well, then you go from sad
to interesting
to hip
Your whole life will flip
When you buy a squip
Yeah, yeah a squip
Hey, a squip
No longer a drip when you got in your grip
A squip, a squip, a squip