Count Malvolio

It all comes down to luck
In this wild, wicked world
But luck doesn't have infallibility
For luck had the nerve
To make me one who serves
Well, it's plain to see
I ought to be nobility
Even the countess treats me
With superior respect
I'm clearly her favorite in the house!
She hinted once
That should she ever marry
She hopes someone like me would be her spouse
So
What's the likely theory
To espouse?

I could be
Count Malvolio
Lord of the estate
Dressed in all the finest silks
And master of my fate
I'd summon all my minions in a most majestic tone
Then once they all arrived I'd tell them, "leave me alone!"

Imagine, Count Malvolio
Married up and up
Watching all my fortunes as they grew
They'll all wish they'd been nice
Once I reload the dice
When I finally get
My due!

I'd send seven servants off to fetch my Uncle Toby
And I'd wait there with a most impatient frown
I'd fiddle with my diamond-studded wristwatch
As I lounge upon a bed, a fluffy down
Then Toby would approach me with a curtsy
I'd extend my regal hand for him to kiss
But instead of my customary courtesy
I'd indubitably lecture him like this

Now that I'm married to the countess
At last, it is my right to speak the truth
You must amend your drinking and carousing
And that Andrew friend of yours must go
He's simply uncool

And he'd say
Count Malvolio
Please, forgive my flaws
I'm just a lousy liar
Who thinks he's above the laws
If only you could teach me
How to be so refined!

But I'd say, "sorry, Toby"
"There's no hope, for your faults aren't mine"
Just picture Count Malvolio
Honored and adored
My destiny would all be coming true

They'll all wish they'd been sweet
Well, they can kiss my feet!
When I finally get my due!

I know, I wasn't dreaming
Or getting carried away
My lady truly loves me
Her missives plain as day
The clues are adding up
The letters in my name
Now all I have to do is play her game!

Then I'll be Count Malvolio
If I play along
Act surly to the servants
And tell Toby that he's wrong
I'll sport my yellow stockings
And cross-garter every lace
And I'll always wear a monumental smile on my face!

'Til I am Count Malvolio
I will ace each test
What fortunate, unhappy puts me to
My instructions are clear
And so the day's drawing near
When I finally get
My due!

I shall be Count Malvolio
By the grace of Jove!
I thank my lucky stars
For coming through!
I'll do all that she said
And then when we are wed
I will finally get
Yes, I'll finally get
My due! (You'll get your due)
My due! (You'll get your due)
My due! (Your due!)