Billy The Mountain

BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!

BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

BILLY was a mountain
ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder

Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental, and he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, right where his 'foot' was supposed to be.

Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for OVER THESE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties!

Royalties!
Royalties . . .
Royalties!
Royalties . . .
Royalties!

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! His eyeball-caves widened in amazement, his cliff (which was his jaw), it dropped thirty feet!

Ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!

Now, the man in the checkered suit, well, without his car he went screaming off into the desert at sunset (AAAA-AAA-AAAAH!) all the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car.

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!

Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!

By two o'clock, and the bars had already closed down, BILLY had already broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. With dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .

"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"

Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL just like a woman, of course she was delighted! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her . . . Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song . . .) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . They were going to NEW YORK!

"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"

But first they would stop in LAS VEGAS . . .

It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
Drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)

ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds

"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"

(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)

"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"

The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .

And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF got LUNCHED! By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.

Good bye to LAS VEGAS
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(CHUG-A-LUG-A-LUG!)

Guess that GEORGE PUTNAM
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(GEORGE PUTNAM!)

His biggest new story
That has broken this year
(Take it away, George!)

"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN, in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE. But it is This Reporter's Opinion that ETHELL is a FORMER COMMUNIST . . . "

WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon ("Wah wah wah, nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . .) and homeless (homeless . . .) in Denver, as BILLY had just levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS where they keep the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .

(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby)
AH!
(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby)
POO-AHH!
(My baby, my baby . . .)

. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of THE MID WEST!!!

Now, it was about this time, I think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio that BILLY got his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, believe me, ETHELL said she wasn't gonna let him go!

"I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!"

And GEORGE PUTNAM, the RIGHT-WING CREEPO FASCIST PIG NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles said . . . (Take it away GEORGE PUTNAM, the RIGHT-WING FASCIST RADICAL CREEPO PIG NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles!)

"We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it's This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices WITCH-CRAFT!"

It was about this time that the telephone rang in the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'!

Now, some men say he looked like (he looked like) FELIX PAPPALARDI (Felix Pappalardi); still others say (others say), bullshit, man (bullshit, man) he was just born (he was born) next to the Frozen Beef Pies at GRISTEDE'S (Frozen Beef Pies). Still others say (others say he was just another), uh-huh, and uh-huh again, he was just a crazy Italian (crazy Italian) who drove a RED CAR. You see it was hard to tell (but nobody knows), nobody knew for sure (for sure), he was so (so-o-o-o-o-o) mysterious (mysterious), oh yes, he was . . .

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

HE WAS SO
MYSTERIOUS!

'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?

Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?

Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM
(Two, Three!)
AMAZED of HIM!

Time passing (right!) . . .
January, February . . .
1975, 1986 . . .
March, 1914 . . .

So when the phone rang (thank you)
In the secret briefcase,
(Thank you)
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch
And flexy bracelet
GRABBED IT
And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice:

"Yes, this is he! What? . . . A mountain . . . with a tree growing off of its shoulder . . .? You're fulla shit, man . . . what? Wha-, uh, are, are you sure? Oh well, alright, let me write this down then, sorta take a few notes here . . . To NEW YORK? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION?"

(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, OH!
My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby,
My baby, my baby,
My baby, my baby, my baby,
My baby, my baby)
UH-OH!
(My baby, my baby, my baby)
AHH!

"Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? Can I, can I fly there immediately and REASON WITH HIM? An expense account? And per diem, too?"

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!

Yes, he could DANCE. And here it is, Ladies and Gentlemen: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar . . .

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . . Hey!

RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
(Professional)
LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
(Exquisite)
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
(Homunculus)
LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER
TO THE HEART-Uh

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . . Hey!

There were a number of very peculiar rumors circulating about STUDEBAKER HOCH recently. Consider if you will the rumors that have spread that he could write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!

Some men say he could write THE LORD'S Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin
Ah!
(Three Dog Night)
(Yeah)

Other still maintain the FACT! (Good God!)
He was born next to the Frozen Beef Pies
(And that was the main influence on HIM!)

Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON SHE . . . HE ran around the back of 'GIMBEL'S' to see if he could find some big un-used cardboard boxes . . .

After which, he hit up GRISTEDE'S for some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey!

Yes, and in the parking lot across the street from the One Fifth Avenue Hotel (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out a pair of really, really NICE WINGS, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil . . . thoroughly with foil thoroughly with foil . . . thoroughly with foil . . . thorougly with foil . . .

TH-thor-thorough-LY with FOIL-L
Th-th—thorough-LY wi-TH wi-TH FOIL-L-L!

Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .

He CLOSED THE DOOR! And he pulled down his grey denim Busdriver type pants, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer print shorts, ha ha ha!

Soon the booth was filling with flies!

(Help me, help me, help me!)

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in . . . Yes! And when each and every one of those little, each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his boxer shorts, and was lapping up all that good AUNT JEMIMA syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said to those little flies in a clear, impressive voice . . .

"NEW YORK!"

. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!

His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!
(Help me, help me, help me!)

Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!

(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)

He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!

(Fly to New York!)

He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!

Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)

(Fly to New York!)

(I don't know!)

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

We join STUDEBAKER HOCH standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth.

"BILLY? I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Why, it's all fair and square, the LOTTERY, you know? Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever."

ETHELL sher twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, UN-ferturbed, continued . . .

"Listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?"

BILLY just laughed:

"HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!"

Now you'll remember that STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY's mouth, so that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

"Aaahhhhhhhh . . . "

(That was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie,
LET'S HEAR ANOTHER SET!)

"Aaahhhhhhhh . . . "

Which only goes to prove . . .

A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with BILLY
And don't fuck with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!

With

Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly

BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

FZ: Thank you for coming to our concert. Good night.