Inkblot

Where the fuck do I begin? This is feeling like the end
Once again inside this hole, the darkness is my only friend
I wish that I could speak out, but that just doesn't work
I wish that I could die, without feelings being hurt
I wish my momma wouldn't cry, as my coffin's topped with dirt
I wish leaving here was easy, cause this earth just ain't my turf
I wish that I would heal and let my mind be at ease
I wish that I could deal, and live and do as I please
But I'm trying hard to stand, don't wanna live on my knees
I have the worst of luck, it seems the good is but a tease
The nineteen years that I've lived has been a bad dream
Maybe if I end it all, I'll finally be happy
I've had my heart broken more times than I remember
Been through hell and back from January to December
Every year since '99, when the fuck will it stop
All my friends take advantage to get them to the top
Love has been a blur, I don't know why I got involved in it
When there was a her I was convinced that they were all different
They were all the same, it's like my life's been on repeat
And every fucking time I put everything beneath me
Just to put them at the top and they would up and leave me
Or brush it all off, why the fuck is that so easy
Maybe I'm too sensitive, my feelings are invalid
I used to be so full of love, my heart is filled with malice
Everything is for a reason, and they were only practice
I wish it made me stronger, but that some shitty tactics
Like, do you really even love me
I give and keep it a buck ten and you just shove me
What the fuck is up with that? Got me thinking love is wack
I grew up without a father, cheated behind momma's back
And every man after that, everybody's hard to trust
And my momma taught me love but all I've ever seen is lust

I'm sick of fucking talking, I'm just walking, living blind
Why does it seem that everybody only wastes my time
I think I'm going crazy, often times I stop and think
Ain't got nobody behind me, maybe I should see a shrink
But my mind don't let me cause I'm so damn stubborn
What the fuck kind of example am I to my sis and brother
Cause I flip at them and cry, even though I'm not supposed to though
I don't wanna say my last goodbyes through fucking post it notes
Don't want my mom to see me cry, but fuck she make me vulnerable
She tell me baby don't leave, just go where you wanna go
And that means so much to me
When I think about suicide, I think, man I could be
In a much better place, in a much better space
Maybe I could calm down, my thoughts won't be in a race
Maybe if I fall down, I'll get up with no rage
Maybe if I fall down, I'll put it all on a page
Instead of, flipping out and punching doors
And breaking all the shit I know I can't afford
But I don't know how to stop my temper
I'll spazz out till I black out until I just can't remember
What the fuck got me started, my heart and mind departed
I don't know who I am, finding myself's getting harder
Sinking deeper in the water, I'm drowning getting farther
From the shore, I just can't take it any longer anymore