Rugrat (Spoken Word)

Barely a decade old here's a story I barely told
Why I dressed in baggy clothes
Covered up from head to toes
I was 8 years old the frightful day that he chose
To impose on my body like something you dispose

Rugrat "All Grown Up" into a killer doll
Guess that makes me Chucky ain't it funny y'all
Thought that I was punished for being beautiful
Any speck of self worth I had lost it all

I should have been playing with Legos
Not screaming at him "let go!"
Zoned out when I eat my Eggos
"Leggo my Eggo" I'm talking ovaries
He's talking over me "baby please
Don't tease I wanna sink my teeth
In between your pre pubescent thighs"

Healing comes with time
I pen my thoughts to write
Lyrics to feel alright
Don't know if I'll survive
My thoughts are getting wild
I am just a child
Innocence defiled

Oooh oh oh I am just Rugrat
Why treat me like a Rag doll

I was 10 years old the day that I was told
We're leaving this country to go somewhere a little cold
Canada specifically a city called Toronto
I don't fucking care just get me outta here pronto
Booking our flight
Freedom is in sight
Praying every night
He don't sneak in tonight
He gave me more fright
Than my nightmares at night

Oooh oh oh I am just Rugrat
Why treat me like a Rag doll

Now a preteen new kid new country
Now I'm feeling so free so happy
This mister touch me and my sister
Why does this keep happening?

Too scared to say a thing
Too scared to do anything
Became a normal thing
Why is this happening?

I wanna be invisible as much as possible
Feeling gross in my navel was never able
To keep my mind stable surging like a cable
Was never able to keep my mind stable
Self induced pain to feel good again
Trigger endorphins
What am I endorsing?
Silent suffering

At 16 years old, first time that I told
Another person bout the story that I barely told
Later that day, Children's Aid is at my door
Heart dropped, filled with terror
"Fuck I never shoulda told anyone
Now I got mandated one on ones"

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
Four naked walls and a Kleenex box

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
Every Friday night it's me and my therapist, What's up doc?

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
90 minute silent sessions, only tears drop

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
The clock ticks yet I do not talk