The Diet

Let me tell you somethin'
If you wanna make out on a Saturday night
You got to wear them tight breeches
And if you don't wear them tight breeches
You gotta be slim, you can't be no lard-ass

Breakfast, black coffee, one slice of dry toast
No butter, no jelly, no jam
Lunch, just some lettuce, two celery stalks
No booze, no potatoes, no ham

Dinner, one chicken wing, broiled, not fried
No gravy, no biscuits, no pie
And this dietin', dietin', dietin', dietin'
Sure is a rough way to die

So pass me a carrot stick, peel me a prune
And a glass of skim milk and that's all
Turn off the TV for that Big Mac commercial
It's drivin' me right up the wall
And I'm thinkin' of French fries, sausage and waffles
Spaghetti and cookies and cake
And each night I'm dreamin' of chocolate ice cream
And I'm starvin' to death when I wake
All for your sake

At work I am known as the king of right crisp
I get mad but I'm too weak to fight
Watching the boys eat them big bologna sandwiches
I'd sell my soul for a bite

The moon is a big piece of sweet watermelon
The sun is a big old fried egg
And keep that dog out of house or I swear
I'll bite off a piece of his leg

You're fixin' the kids all those creamed mashed potatoes
But it's bouillon and water for me
And you got a lock on the refrigerator
Lord knows where you're hidin' the key

While I'm starvin' for food late at night
I'm starvin' for lovin' from you
But you say that when I can see my own dick
You'll be glad to look at it too

Supper, two pieces of cauliflower raw
Some beefsteak the size of a nail
One sliced tomato, a small dab of slaw
I swear I ate better in jail

Stop eatin' that pizza right under my nose
Girl, that's the least you can do
And put down that candy bar while I'm singin'
I'm starvin' my ass off for you

So pass me a carrot stick, peel me a prune
A glass of skim milk and that's all
Turn off the TV for that Big Mac commercial
It's drivin' me right up the wall
And I'm thinkin' of french fries, sausage and waffles
Spaghetti and cookies and cake
And each night I'm dreamin' of chocolate ice cream
And I'm starvin' to death when I wake
All for your sake
All for your sake
All for your sake