My Old Man's a Gannet

Now my old man had an appetite
He could really pack it in
'Cause no-one bothered with telling him
That gluttony was a sin
He could polish off a whole roast pig
From the trotters to the snout
And that was just for starters
'Cause then you'd hear him shout

"Gimme one, gimme two, gimme three dinners
Gimme three dinners or four
Gimme five, gimme six, gimme seven dinners
And I'll still have room for more
Gimme eight, gimme nine, gimme ten
And if my belly starts to hurt
Then I'll say 'when' and stop at ten
And then move onto dessert!"

Now my old man was a lonely soul
He weren't to everyone's taste
He found it hard to find a girl
With his 98 inch waist
But then one day he met his match
In Bertha from up West
She claimed she'd out-eat any man
So they put it to the test - I said

"Gimme one, gimme two, gimme three dinners
Gimme three dinners or four
Gimme five, gimme six, gimme seven dinners
And I'll still have room for more
Gimme eight, gimme nine, gimme ten
And if I have to stop, I will
'Cause the one who eats the least
Can start with picking up the bill!"

Now my old man said, "Son,
I can't keep gorging every day,
My feet won't stop complaining,
And Gawd knows what I weigh!"
This terrible sad affliction
It got him in the end
He drew a breath and choked to death
On a half-sucked Fisherman's Friend!

Gimme one, gimme two, gimme three dinners
Gimme three dinners or four
Gimme five, gimme six, gimme seven dinners
And I'll still have room for more
Gimme eight, gimme nine, gimme ten
He had the last laugh on us all
'Cause to get the coffin in the church
We had to take down half a wall!

Now if your old man's a gannet
You'll know it ain't much fun
When he's had his sails
And he tips the scales
To the tune of half a ton - Oi!