Dr. Google

There's a pain in my head, it started on Sunday
I was thinking about all I had to do on Monday
Is it safe to go out, what the hell is wrong with me
Got a $20 copay so I turned to WebMD
Arterial tearing, acute sinusitis
Inner ear infection or encephalitis
Got a panic disorder I got about my headache
But it's probably

Cancer, Cancer
There's a rumor that a tumor is always the answer
Melanoma, carcinoma, lymphoma, Oklahoma
Can't be aging, so I'm paging Dr. Google

Called in sick and thought I'd have a quiet day alone with me
But the contents of my colon spoke up to disagree
I'm glued to the toilet, stuck here all alone
Why could this be happening, thank god I have my phone
Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B,
Lactose intolerance or Hepatitis C
Celiac disease or gas station sushi
But it's probably

Cancer, Cancer
There's a rumor that a tumor is always the answer
Melanoma, carcinoma, lymphoma, Oklahoma
Bowels raging, so I'm paging Dr. Google

Causes shown here are commonly associated with this symptom
Work with your health care professional for an accurate diagnosis

Got a phone call from my boss, said don't bother coming in
30 sick days in the red and my patience has worn thin
After that I felt so awful I could not get out of bed
Is there something really wrong or is this in my head
Munchausen's disorder, Bipolar Type 2
Moderate depression, Schizophrenia, the flu
Histrionic personality or chronic fatigue
But it's probably

Psychosis, Psychosis
Rule out all the others it's the only diagnosis
I'm simply going crazy, put that straitjacket on me
When they take me away, I hope they have the cure for

Cancer, Cancer
No more health insurance so the internet's my answer
Melanoma, carcinoma, lymphoma, Oklahoma
No more stalling, so I'm calling Dr. Google