never Felt OK

So high school went on
And God gave me some good gifts and I was a storyteller
You know, I was always concerned though, like
You know, I always needed to be around more people
Where everything was always starting to be
You know, we need to change this, we need to do that
I'd go to a party and then I have to go to another party
Like, where's the party?
Well, we're at the party

Something never felt okay
Never felt okay
I just never felt okay
I always felt like I was trying to make things okay
I never felt okay
Never felt okay
I just never felt okay
I always felt like I was trying to make things okay

And things weren't bad, I had some great times
I was fun, I was having fun
But on the inside, I was
I didn't know who I was at all
I didn't have any beliefs, I didn't have any real values
And how I felt about me was based upon
How you felt about me
And when I was fourteen I got emancipated
You know, I couldn't live at me family's home anymore
My brother had moved away to live with my grandparents
And he and I weren't close
After he moved away, you know
I've spent a lot of time in our room by myself
And it made me, I think, real sad because my brother's bed
Was in there and my bed was in there
You know, and every kind of, like, year
Every six months he would say, you know
Or my mom would say, "he might come back and live with us again"
And he didn't come back
You know, and I don't fault him for it or anything
He, you know, he had his own walk with our environment
He needed to find a place for him to be well
And he's gotten very well over the years

Something never felt okay
Never felt okay
I just never felt okay
I always felt like I was trying to make things okay
I never felt okay
Never felt okay
I just never felt okay
I always felt like I was trying to make things okay

And anyhow, so, it all, like
I was just in this room
And I wanted things to be different and I was a scared kid, you know
And this is before I moved out of my mother's home and
I just remember being really scared
I wanted to... I remember being at night, uh
You know our neighbor was scary
And it was just
We grew up like it was kinda poor white
And poor black was like right over from us
And it was just, you know, it was scary
I mean, people get real impoverished, like things get scary
And I was just scared
And at night I would... Dude, I was a scared kid
I remember, like I would wet the bed all the time, you know?
And I remember one time when I was young
I heard that if an animal had urinated somewhere
Then other animals couldn't come and get that animal
So, I remember at that point sometimes
I would urinate off my bed and around my bed
In a big circle at night so that things couldn't come get me

Something never felt okay
Never felt okay
I just never felt okay
I always felt like I was trying to make things okay
I never felt okay
Never felt okay
I just never felt okay
I always felt like I was trying to make things okay

Something never felt okay
Something never felt okay
Something never felt okay
Something never felt

Um, you know I was just creating this crazy
Like, world inside of me that was a lot of fear
And there was a lot of uncertainty and there was not
A lot of systems inside of myself to make myself feel okay