Rearview Intro - Live

People often ask me about my name
The name itself is another story
But I'd like to tell you why I love my name, and the new identity that came with it

When I was just 19, a well-meaning friend strongly suggested I needed therapy
After my initial shock and indignation, I had to admit I was struggling, so I went
The very first session, my therapist asked about my absent father
And I said what I had been saying my whole life
"You can't miss what you never had"

Luckily, the therapist saw right through that, and after some time with her
I decided to go find this dad who had skipped out on me
I tracked him down in Alaska, wrote him a letter, and said that I was coming
I might mention here that I had barely ever traveled
Had no money, and was scared stiff, but off I went on a plane
When I landed, I went to the address I had, and there he was
Walking down the sloped driveway from an old rundown ranch-style house
I had been afraid I wouldn't recognize him, but he was as familiar to me as my own face

His living situation was sketchy
He lived in the basement of the dilapidated house
It was dark and cold
The first night there, I slept on the pool table, and was up all night
Freezing and listening to animal sounds all around outside

The next day, I went into town, and in with an outrageous stroke of luck
Met a woman who had been through the exact thing I was going through
She had been adopted, but had found and reunited with her birth parents
I can't say exactly why she wanted to help me, but she had a daughter my age
And must have seen how scared I was
She invited me on the spot to stay with her family

So, I spent my days with my Dad, driving around listening to music and talking about movies
It turned out we liked all of the same stuff
I learned a little bit more about his life
He didn't have a lot of money, or any job, it seemed
He would talk about winter, when things got tough, and they had to kill a bear just to eat

Being Filipino, he looked like the Inuit in the area, and had assimilated into their community
He even had his own talisman
Besides his living situation in the basement
There were a few other things that were off about my dad
He introduced me to his girlfriend, an Inuit about my age named Angel
My Dad told me that he had rescued her from the street when she was just 14
I had no idea how to deal with this, so I put it in the way back of my mind

Luckily, every evening I went home to my saintly friend, her husband, and daughter
They were wealthy and spoiled us
Inviting us to come to dinner, go fishing, even fly in their small plane to see a glacier
When we got the dinner invitation
My Dad said, "I haven't been in a white person's house in 20 years"
But I guess having me there, was enough for him to make an exception
And we did all of these activities with my new friends

It was awkward, but in the small minutes
It was the father fairytale I had wanted my whole life
And when it came time to leave, he cried
And told me that he thought of me every year on my birthday
When I got home, we sent occasional letters to each other
But I felt like I had accomplished my mission
Then one day, my dad showed up unannounced at my door
He had returned to California to see my grandpa, who was very sick
He had one shirt, and no money, so he stayed with us for a night
Borrowed my boyfriend's shirt, and drove us both in my car, to go see Grandpa

After a sad visit in the hospital, my dad was restless
We drove around San Francisco aimlessly, and at nightfall ended up at Ocean Beach
The highway cuts over the dunes at this beach, and to get to the water
You have to park and walk through a tunnel that goes underneath it
When I looked into the tunnels, I could see fires in trash cans
Homeless people and addicts milling around, and I didn't want to go

My dad got angry and insisted we should go see the water, but I stood my ground
When we finally we got back in my car, my dad pulled a handgun from his jacket
Put it under the driver's seat and said, "Well, I guess I won't need that anymore"
Whoa, questions shot through my brain like ticker tape
Was he trying to endanger me? Did he want a fight?
Did he want to shoot someone? Why did he want me involved?

At that point, all I wanted was to go home
So I left my dad at my grandma's and drove away
Later that year, when I transferred colleges, I didn't give him my new address
I hadn't formed a plan really, I just knew I didn't want guns in my life
And that there were a lot of aspects about my dad that scared me
I didn't know if this was for forever or just for now
But I definitely didn't want to be found by him

That first year at State, I became depressed like I had never been before
I had terrifying, murky dreams and walked around campus afraid of everything and everyone
While most were partying and making lifelong memories
I was driving around the city, looking at concrete abutments, and thinking
"What if I drove into that?"
I had to start therapy again
And with help, I realized I didn't have to define every fear
I just had to accept the facts

My dad was a criminal
He carried concealed handguns, had no visible means of income
Liked lying to and controlling people
He did not like white people, which while understandable, really sucked for me as his daughter
With regards to women, he was at best a creep, and at worst, a pedophile
As terrible as these conclusions were, once they were defined
I started to feel better, and even enjoy my last few years of college

One day, about a year before graduation
I was in my dorm room, and I got an outside phone call
It was him, he told me that he had become a Police officer?
And that my school wasn't supposed to give out my number, but he had cop-talked them into it
I didn't confront him
I just tried to and get him off the phone
When I hung up, I panicked, I cried, and then I wrote a letter

I told him truthfully, I was forever changed, and better for re-meeting him
But I didn't want to have a relationship, or frankly, ever see him again
I said nothing of his underage girlfriend, his scary gun-toting behavior
Or even the bit about finding me by cop-talking to my school
I didn't want to give him anything to argue about, and I'm sure he knew all of this

For a few years, I was afraid he would find me
When I was told I needed to adopt a stage name, I was all for it
Thrilled to have a reason to drop my real name
When I got married, I couldn't wait to change my last name
Without realizing it, I had created my own sort of witness protection program
These days, I no longer fear that he'll show up in my life, I'm a new me
And that, my friends, is the story of why I love being Pi Jacobs