The Attempt (Interlude)

April 24th, 2021
The day that my life weighed over three tons
I did a little work and got a little drunk
And by 10PM, I was way past done
Had a knife in my hand and the blade on my wrist
A few nights before, I had wrote that final list
Slid the blade down and painted stripes on my arms
Sipped on a pill bottle, I wasn't doing any harm

I kept drinking my pills as a friend called concerned
The one person I didn't wanna burn
But, instead, I lit the match
And told him all my plans
He didn't call the cops, he's a really good man
But I was ready to lose him, I sent him every page
Confessed that I loved him
I know he doesn't feel the same

He kept telling me to stop and I just said "leave me alone"
He got tired of my shit and he hung up the phone
I kept taking more pills and I just wanted sleep
And as I drifted off, I remembered I forgot to eat
The Chinese that I ordered, it's from my favorite place
But it sits on the bed as I sink into this state
My mind told me "throw them up
You might have a life to live"
But I shut myself down and I was ready, this is it

I woke up an hour later and I could barely move
Had fifty pills in my system, I was in a different groove
I got up and fell down, my limbs didn't work
But, I kept trying and I saw the devil smirk
I kept falling on my face and my hands still ache
There's a throbbing in my head
And an overwhelming self hate
Why didn't I succeed?
Will I walk again?
Should I call my mom?
Is this all just in my head?
My fingers are slipping as I press on the screen
As my hands shake back and forth
Withdrawals will be so mean
My mom tried to help me walk
But I keep tripping on the floor
If I called 911, I wouldn't make it out the door
But I still made the call not caring if I died
But I was starting to get worried
To myself I told a lie
Two EMT's and two cops
Helped me up the wooden stairs
They drove me in an ambulance
I felt like I was floating
I thought I would die there
I was still kind of hoping
They couldn't pump my stomach
Had an IV in my hand
And I said "let God decide and see where they stand"

April 27th, 2:30PM
I'm in the hospital
I really thought that was the end
I have all these pieces
All these broken pieces
That I don't know how to fix
Who would have known
That night would have come to this
And I'm expecting them to mend
Things are wrapping up now
It's time for another group
With a new found strength
I think I can recoup