A Letter To Dad

We knew the world would not be the same
A few people laughed
A few people cried
Most people were silent

Dear Father, I'm taking care of Kiley and Mom
Life's worsened so much since you've been gone
And I fear the trauma's morphing my bones
Please help me, Dad, I can't do this alone

I'm having the same thoughts that you had
Better off below grass, fear I'll follow your past
I'm terrified, like you, I might lose to suicide
Like you, I might embrace the thought of homicide

But I'm trying my best to supress the depression
I'm trying my best to repress the agression
Hiding how I feel has become an obsession
Although when I break down it'll cause devastation

I feel pressure building up like a bottle of soda
Fully loaded and my holdups shake me 'til I can't hold it
Hold up, please stop, please help

Before you lost to your own thoughts
You raised a white flag called a slipknot
There was so much I wanted to do with you, Dad
But I didn't know how little time left we had

Never taught me how to shave, how a man must behave
How to pick up a lady, how to overcome shame
How you coped with your pain, how to wrestle with your brain
And how you had became a modern day slave

Who should I look up to?
I've no clue
All my life it's just been you
You're all I knew
Now I'm the man of this house
Look at me now
Forced to grow and raise myself
I need some help

I'm not ready, Daddy, to be an adult
I fear my lack of knowledge, Dad, is all my fault
I feel your ghost is close to me when I'm alone
Father lend me your guidance so that I don't fall

I feel like I had never made you proud at all
Are you looking down on me from the blue yonder?
I can't wait to ask you at our next encounter
Honestly sometimes I hope it won't be far off

I just hope I'm making you proud
I just want your approval with infinite bounds
I want to be the best man I can be on the ground
So you'll still claim me as your son when I'm underground
But that doesn't mean I never felt your love, Dad
You loved me so much and I'll never forget that

Tell me why I always comply with whims in my mind to be kind
I don't even try, it's natural I find, they rely
On my hardened spine at any given time and it grinds
My spine 'til it's fine and I claim I'm fine
I'm so tired
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so tired
I'm so tired

But I can't sleep
The pain keeps me away from my dreams
Seeds of insomnia are woven into my seams
Sprouting out and blossoming into tortuous screams
And the roots dig deeper feeding me memories

Birdwatching in the frontyard
Biking down at the park
Playing ball at the Y
Watching TV inside
Showing me James Brown
Helping work downtown
Boxing in the garage
Camping back at the lodge

Teaching me how to fish
How to cook up a dish
Can't believe I'll never have your cooking again
No one else could cook like you, could grill like you
Such tasty food
Like salmon croquettes and BBQ, ay

What I'd give to go right back to those days
I barely remember but I pray that they stay
Dad, I miss you so much and I promise it's true
There's not a day that goes by I don't think about you

Wish I remembered more good times that we had
But my PTSD makes me forget the past
But I can't forget your face, your voice, or your laugh
Even if your smile wasn't more than a mask
I forgive everything you've done and now I empathize
You weren't the perfect dad, but I'm glad you were mine
Thank you for what you've done, I know me was hard
I love you, Father, with all my heart

I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita
Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty
And to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds"