Survivor's Guilt

Surviving
Surviving ain't what I made it look like to you
I wish I would've told you my struggles
How there were times life was hard
And unfortunately, it would continue to be
I too, wanted to die in those times
Those times, made it even harder to stay alive
I wish I would've honored my pain, in those times
I been fighting off these thoughts that's been taking me out my mind
I wish I could rewind
I wish I would've taken the mask off and shown up as myself sometimes
To show you
All 'em days I would cry
All the days I had to face it and wish I could go and hide
From all the people that hurt me and everything they denied
I wish I'd shown you
But I was only tryna survive
I too, was tryna stay alive
I'm sorry

I'm confessing that I could've done better
I could've done more, for you
I made survival seem like a destination
As if it doesn't go on and on
I acted as if I had arrived in front of you
I made you feel like survival wasn't something that you were approaching to
I made it look like it was a gift that didn't belong to you
Every time I held face, baby I lied
I lied to you
I'm sorry
I could've told you what it feels like
What it feels like to be holding on for dear life
Everyday is a new, trying one
It's trying you, while you trying to get through
It's timing you, while you in your head about all there's still left to do
It's confining you, while you thinking you ain't got that much room to move
I wish you would've knew
Surviving still leaves enough room for your wings to bloom
I wish you would've knew, you could've flew
And I wish it was right to me, so I could hold you to tell you these things
I'm sorry
I needed to tell you about that knot
You know that knot that gets all caught up in your throat
Then as soon you try to gasp for air
You fear that you might choke
Everybody around you but you feel like there's no one close
You feel like you seeing them see you on the ledge
But steady inching you off the boat
I know
The main ones holding you back but still expecting your growth
I know
The main ones who mocked every tear you done cried
Make you feel like you less cause you can't keep all of it inside
I know
I'm sorry

I wanted to tell you to lessen your expectations
Around you were more cowards than heroes
Who only will take you as far as his or her own fear goes
Cause stepping too far into their own shit, leaves them too exposed
This is something I wouldn't expect you to know
You didn't know the lengths that they would go to keep from being seen
In darkness, they preferred to do their deeds
In the darkness, it's easier to deny your light rather than face themselves
They remained hidden to protect themselves
But only had they known what the efforts of protecting you
The efforts of them trying to fix these things
If only they had known what those efforts could do
I'm sorry

I didn't get to tell you that you were the one that was brave
You spoke your fears out loud and actually called them by their names
You set the precedent with that alone
You moved those mountains and broke those chains on your own
I'm sorry
I wish I would've gotten down on my knees
And kneeled you down to show you how to pray with me
Praying is the best tool to make the enemy flee
I should of told you to pray when you didn't believe
When you didn't believe in the world, friends, family, or even me
I'm sorry
I held back, thinking I was protecting you
Not knowing that my experiences
The truth
Would of been exactly what you needed to shelter you
I'm sorry
I withheld from you
I wish I had more time to tell you, dying is one thing you never had to do
But I understand
There are days that it's harder for me to stay alive too