Seeds of Freedom

I choose me
I choose free
Ever since I was a little girl
I've been told what to do
There have always been
High expectations
Set before me
Even before my ABC's
I had already been planted
With the seed
Of perfection
Watered into this obsession
Of me
Never wanting to disappoint

Because I had to be
Big sister
Best friend
Mother and college graduate
I had to be the proof
That my mother
Lying on her back
Having all these kids
Wasn't just something to do
Me
My siblings
Her children
Must have a purpose
For being birthed
Into this world
For if not
We would be a disgrace
To the family name
Nicholas
As my mother
Didn't go to college
So if we
Didn't want to look like second hand garbage
To the well educated
Well esteem
East coast side of the family
I
The eldest
Had to rewrite
The first generation
In order for us
To even be tolerated
So here I am
In the middle of this garden

I choose me
I choose free

Ever since I was a little girl
I've been shown
How not to love
From the negative word lashings
To the "Mama, I can't breathe chokings"
To the men
In and out
Of my mom's bed chambers
Sowing seeds into her
Of loneliness
Bitterness
And despair
Let me to be raised with
A garden full of
"Men ain't shit"
Nor are they good for nothing
Which is harvested as truth
Cause still till this day
Daddy
I never met you

I choose me
I choose free

Ever since I was a little girl
Me and my siblings
Were prepared in soil
That was acidic
The environment
We were planted in
Was toxic
We needed
A minimum
Of 5 to 6 hours of sun per day
But instead
We got clouds
Thunder and lightning
We were never
Good enough children
Smart enough students
Pretty enough beauty queens
Roses grown in weak sun
May not die at once
But they weaken gradually
So much so
That we began to believe
The "stupid bitches"
"Retards" and "I wish I never had you"
Grew
Into this generational curse
Where now my nephews
Are being replanted
In that same toxic dirt

I choose me
I choose free

Grandma
I wish I had
Really knew you
The rose may have both prickles
And thorns
There to protect the plant from predators
Well Grandma
Yours must not have been sharp enough
Because whoever preyed upon your rose bush
Forced the thorns inward
Leaving you with a legacy
Of hurt and pain
In which replanted into your offsprings
Which trickled down deep into the roots
Grandma
I wish
I could've broke you free
From who hurt you

Granddad
We are not allowed to talk about you
You are the sun
The stars
The moon
The hope
The wish
The prayer
The dream
The fantasy
The utopia
You are everything
I wish I could be
But I will speak freely

You are unattainable
Yes
You were always
A phone call
And checkbook away
But that 3,000 mile
And bank statement distance
Caused a divide
In the family relationship
We needed you
When Mom went on her paranoid vacations
We needed you
When Grandma spoke death into a situation
We didn't just need your money
We needed your company
So your granddaughters
Would know their worth
And your grandson
Wouldn't think
He's only good
For plowing dirt

I choose me
I choose free

I'm no longer guarded
And I'm finally choosing free