October 18th

Yeah
Yeah

I still remember
The night before
Went to a show
With my man Jerome
Then tiny creations
Said I am not crazy
But that night was crazy
I think the Hennessy phased me

I hit Michelle
She didn't answer
I'm lit as hell so I couldn't blame her
Full of emotion that all woulda came out
Shoulda stayed home don't know why I came out
Momma not home she stayed with my father
Hospital fronted but shoutout the doctor
Home by eleven it took me a hour
Fell asleep right after takin a shower
Next thing I know it's like one forty-nine
Phone started ringing I'm worried inside
I missed the call
So I called her back
Momma just sayin they worried bout dad
Doctor was sayin don't leave her alone
She shouldn't have to do this on her own
Ma said don't worry she callin my bro
I said I'm comin then hung up the phone
Started to panic
Then I got so frantic
My mind started racin
Im startin to feel manic
Got dressed but ain't move
I feel like a mannequin
Tryna be strong and feel like a man again
But I need handlin
Cause I can't handle it
Got to the cab
Can't find where the handle is
Got to the hospital
Started to stare at it
Get it together and go where yo parents is
Got to the room
No one's aware
Pops so sedated I don't feel he there
Momma said hi then knocked in the chair
Doctor just told me he glad that I'm here
Ya dad finally restin but he was so restless
I looked in his eyes and could tell that he cared
Was so reassuring
I needed assurance
Assure you that moment was better than air
Sat to the side
Stared at my mom
Looked at the ceiling like everything wrong
I'm Feelin so drained
I felt for my chain
Im grabbin my cross
I'm talkin to god
God
What are you doin?
I Really ain't feelin the way that you movin
It's been seven days and I see no improvement
If you really love us I need you to prove it
I feel like I'm losin
I feel ima lose it
I had it together now it's boutta loosen
I heard you be healin I need you to do it
Just need you to do it

Looked at my phone
The hours was passin
It's bout to be seven not bein dramatic
Tried watchin a sitcom
But I couldn't sit calm
And really ain't think it's the time to be laughin
I'm feelin so anxious I need a distraction
I need interaction not overreactin
And right when I thought I was headed to work
I got underground when another thing happened
My momma called me
She cryin while speakin
The doc said he leavin
I couldn't believe it
So I called Sabrina and I started screamin
I can't come to work and she said take it easy
It isn't that easy Im strugglin breathin
My eyes gettin watery I'm barely seein
I wanted an Uber but i ain't receive it
It's so inconvenient when I really need it
I'm back on the train
They rattled my brain
I'm out of my mind
I'm goin insane
Got so much to lose
And nothin to gain
I'm hopin and praying again and again

I called my brother like we gotta go
He on the way and he said that he know
I hit my sister she said that she close
I know my aunt probably doin the most
Back at hospital doctors is talkin
Tellin us we ain't got too many options
My aunt interrupted you need to be blunt
They took a deep breath
With all of us watching
We do not see Mr Hayes gettin better
Make your arrangements the sooner the better
We've done all we can delayed and delayed
If I'm being honest its hours or days
And Right in that moment I'm stuck in a daze
The memories flood me and to start to replay
I'm thinking of all the things I never said
I'm full of emotion my eyes turnin red
The hours it's flyin it's bout to be noon
My aunt took a walk for some coffee or food
My bro took a call but he not in the mood
And Izzy just hit me on Instagram too
I looked at my phone then back at my pops
Then looked at my sister
Then everything stopped
I looked at the clock it's twelve on the dot
We called for the nurse my mothers distraught
The doctor came runnin then called for some more
My pops ain't respondin man what's goin on
Now I'm full of anger I'm bangin the door
My family spread out all over this floor
I tried to pretend like you know I would
I Lied to my mama like mama we good
They said let it out like they all understood
I'm questioning everything I ever could
I'll leave it right there but these thoughts never leave
I'm lettin it out cause it's somethin for me
I know everyday is a day that I grieve
I still can't believe
I still can't believe
I'll leave it right there but these thoughts never leave
I'm lettin it out cause it's somethin for me
I know everyday is a day that I grieve
I still can't believe
October Eighteenth