Who Else (Behind the Song)

Yeah so maybe I haven't been honest with myself
Or maybe this was just the most
Exposing, overwhelming season ever, or both
But I don't think I have ever been more angry at God
Than I have been in the last couple of years
Like really and
I mean I think back on when dad was on hospice
And the nurses coming daily and checking him
And kind of giving us like, "Okay it looks like
You know, in the next couple days
Or in the next week" or whatever
There've been so much pain
So much horrific pain
And there was a morning she came and she
And you know, she said, "It could be two more weeks
It could be three more weeks"
And there was just this crashing feeling
I think in all of us
Because it felt like
We barely have strength to hang on today

And death, I mean death is so
Wrong and so heavy and so
It just takes such a long time I guess
Longer than I thought and
Just, we left the house and I was so angry at God
So angry at Him as I saw my mom
Just persevering through those days and
Then in the days to follow
There was the piling on of other hard things
And really, honestly in those moments
There's really no choice in the matter
Like, "I think I will not be angry"
I was just angry, no choice
And not really angry at a disease
Not angry at a doctor
Not angry at other flawed humans in my life who are grieving

I was angry at God because He's the One in charge
And He wasn't stopping anything
Pulling any punches
And I think as a Jesus follower
As someone who grew up as least in the western church
There's a reflex to like quickly, like, diffuse that anger
So I think was faced with the decision
Of the options of, "Am I going to tie a bow on this?"
And really be fake
And it would kind of result in
Not having a relationship with God
Or, "Am I going to be real in this?"
That I am angry, I have questions
And just kind of risk that He meant what He said
When He's like, "Come to Me"

You know when the bible says
"No thought is hidden from You
No word is hidden from You
You know my frame
You know that I am dust"
Like just to really go to Him in my messiest moment
My most risky moment as a believer of
"I am mad at You
And I want relationship with You
Because You have pursued me
And I'm Yours, I'm Your kid"
So I don't know how to move forward other than
Man, in Hebrews 4
We're invited to come boldly to His throne
The throne of grace
To find help
And receive mercy in times of need
And there is a real needy time in a believer
When you're angry at God
And He gave me grace to walk in that