Amish Paradise (2022 version)

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity

At 4:30 in the mornin', I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long
That even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone

I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise

It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell

But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree, I really look good in black, fool

If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in three-hundred years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Crusoe
It's as primitive as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise

There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churning lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another
Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art

I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scoring points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise

There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise