Bringin’ Back Christmas

Look, real trees are trending downward
Your sales continue slipping
They destroyed your bottom lines
With plastic pines and same-day shipping
Well, you've got the better product
But if you wanna win
You gotta study human nature
All those interested, lean in

People are, one, lazy
We only care about ourselves
Your competition knows this
So their crap flies off the shelves
But we're also, two, desperate
To feel good, smart, right
And that's what you have to harness
If you wanna win this fight

See, what you're really selling
Is the way things oughta be
So your pitch becomes compelling
Selling more than just a tree
It's a symbol of your values
It's your ethics and your cause
You can either be fake like the trees they make
Or take a stand for Santa Claus

We're bringin' back Christmas
We're bringin' back cheer
We're bringin' back cozy nights, those twinkly lights, the glow of yesteryear
Now, it's some slight manipulation
But it's what we gotta do
See, we need some confrontation
Or your message won't get through
We're bringin' back decency
We're bringin' back Christmas
And that means the piney scent of a real authentic tree

Oh, it would be sure, simple
To boost your market share
We'd rebrand you as nostalgic
Tell your customers you care
But the world is what? (What?)
Tribal! (Oh!)
So if you want your sales to soar
It's not enough for folks to love you
They gotta hate your rivals more

As an expert, my advice is
Feed that hate, 'cause hate is strong
Folks will gladly pay your prices
To prove those Christmas killers wrong!

We're bringin' back Christmas
And all the joy that we lost (we're bringin' it back)
Give me some peace on Earth
A virgin birth, and Grandpa gettin' sauced
Every Facebook-lovin' boomer
Wants to fight a culture war (a culture war)
So tell your core consumer (it's war)
What the hell they're fightin' for
A fight for morality (a fight for morality)
We're bringin' back Christmas
And it's not comin' back with some manufactured tree

I'm talking a living tree in your living room
As I reach up to place the angel on top
I look out my window and I see my neighbor, Doug
'Cross the street, snapping together his artificial tree
Easy-peasy, poor, lazy, deplorable Doug
Who cares more about convenience than the happiness and respect
Of his town, of his country, of our sacred holiday!

I'm talkin' nativities and sweet baby Jeez
Fat honey hams, Mariah Carey jams
Feliz Navidad, and the birth of our God
Gathered 'round with our families

We're bringin' back Christmas
We're bringin' back Christmas
Plus a ton of cash
From some good old-fashioned trees

Oh, the cozy glow of yesteryear
Oh, the twinkly lights and all the cheer
We're bringin' back Christmas (we're bringin' back Christmas)
Ah