The War I'm Scared to Face

Even if you don't, I still remember it all
You were my shelter from the rain when it'd fall
I would call, but never came
I'm not perfect, but I swear I've changed
I still hear your voice, it ricochets off these walls
Give me the words and I'll explain why I faltered from grace
And for all I hold for blame
Just give me one more chance, I'll fight the war I'm scared to face

First things first, I know this letter might be long overdue
Just wanna tell you it's been hard for me to tackle the truth
And watchin' you become a shell of who I knew in my youth
You were the glue that kept the family from splittin' in two
Hate what you have to go through, I bet you feel so alone
You were my shelter back when everything was messy at home
When no one else was there, I knew you'd always answer your phone
Now when they ask you who I am, it hurts, you might not know, damn

Guess I'll remember for us both
Remember when we saw those whales and you threw up on the boat
Remember spendin' days at Fenway, those are days I miss the most
Remember how you cracked a smile when I told you that I wrote
And then you told me you believed in me and my dream-chasing
That's back when I'd record on a USB in the basement
And now I'm here helpless and honestly fuckin' hate it
I know you hate when I swear, but I don't know how else to say it

I remember all the stories you told me 'bout meeting Gram
I know you still remember her laugh, the touch of her hands
They try to say you can't, don't think anyone understands
She's a part of who you are like you're a part of who I am
And damn, when Dad and Gram look down
I wonder if it makes 'em sad where the fam's at now
And when I stand up on stage, where the music is loud
And look out, I swear I see their faces out in the crowd

What hurts the most is that you're here, but haven't seen you in years
But not because of lack of tryin', I want that to be clear
The situation's way more complicated than it appears
And when I think about it all, it always brings me to tears
I fear, as your memory fades
And the dementia makes its way through every inch of your brain
You'll forget about me and all the memories made
I'm not okay, I guess what I'm tryin' to say is

Even if you don't, I still remember it all
You were my shelter from the rain when it'd fall
I would call, but never came
I'm not perfect, but I swear I've changed
I still hear your voice, it ricochets off these walls
Give me the words and I'll explain why I faltered from grace
And for all I hold for blame
Just give me one more chance, I'll fight the war I'm scared to face

Just know it kills me to feel like I let you down
When all I really ever wanted was to make you proud
I miss all of the stories and the wisdom that would spill out of your mouth
Now when we have a conversation, you can barely make a sound
Everything's so different now, I have this hole in my heart
When you moved and Dad passed, the whole fam fell apart
Not havin' either of you here has been so terribly hard
The truth is y'all were the light when my thoughts got dark

I heard you had a birthday and I missed it
I look around the room and not a single relative's here on Christmas
Sometimes I feel the distance has led to us actin' distant
Nothin' is the same, things changed in an instant
And nah, I should prolly call
Always say "I will," but I always drop the ball
Damn, you see the truth is I'm a coward tryna stall the inevitable
Fact, one day I'll call and there'll be nothin' you recall

And I'm appalled that this is how this all played out
A beautiful mind that we just have to watch fade out
See, you're the one who taught me how to make a home out of a house
And that happiness is found when you live in the right now
Not the future or past, just want my grandfather back
Woulda hung on to the moments if I knew they wouldn't last
Just know I'm grateful now for every single second we had
It's sad you'll never see a show or ever get to see me rap

And that's that, fuck, sick of feelin' stuck
Sick of feelin' like everybody has givin' up
Sick of always feelin' like I'll never be enough
'Cause I tried to wear your shoes, but I could never fill 'em up
I'll never know a world where I'm able to let you go
Even though I know to let go of the things that I can't control
It's sad you'll never see me with a family of my own
But know that when that day comes, you'll be a hero in our home, so

Even if you don't, I still remember it all
You were my shelter from the rain when it'd fall
I would call, but never came
I'm not perfect, but I swear I've changed
I still hear your voice, it ricochets off these walls
Give me the words and I'll explain why I faltered from grace
And for all I hold for blame

I wish I knew the things I told you'd turn to things you'd forget
I wish I knew the things I told you'd turn to things you'd forget