What If / Answer Me

I hope this letter gets to you on time
Do you still cry at night
Or at random times
Plan your own demise
Looking at the moon in the trying times
Willing to compromise
Thinking of killing yourself before they take your life
I apologize
That's my pride
Speaking
I got a question
Are we still in different rooms drinking champagne
Knowing that we share pain
Looking at the snow painted in bloodstains
I might go blind but I can't look away
I saw my past life contradict my age
I just ask no one hit my line
On my own is when I'm fine
Locked in so I'm confined
As my wrath and pride combine
So my strength can realign
I know love is in my design because
I treat my worst demons so kind
Intoxicated by the lunacy I call it moonshine
Getting out of line in my storyline
But that's just how it feels
I'll cannonball in a minefield
I didn't talk to the serpent
I was drowned by an eel
Car engine won't start this is so unreal
I need to go to work to pay these bills
I'm tryna stay ahead of the curve
But spinning out of control
I'm pissed that you got the nerve
To you expect better from me
And hide the loophole
I'd rather be gone
Than be dead wrong
Push me away
But I'm asked to tag along
I wasn't it
I'm forced in a place where I don't belong
Nor do I fit
Waiting for the option to log off and quit
You'd have to kill me I'd never admit
That I commit conflict
Bound to explode as I slowly tick
Is my life an eternal interlude
Or a second-long skit
I don't know where I'd be without music
Abuse this
Tired of the muses
That are only excuses
To call back and keep refusing
Then they ask if I'm okay
I don't wanna talk about it is what I say
Then they get mad and throw it back in my face
This is why I trust no one to embrace
And they'll point their fingers at me saying
I'm the one who got problems
But they do the same things in silence
Afraid of being made fun of
Death is on the come up
There's no time for fun
From birth I was done
Stories that are unsung
Kept pushing til I don't feel pain
It may take a while but I'll get there one day
I'm not fearless or brave
My home is a cave
The path the greats done paved
Is hidden in their shadow unscathed
Looking at photos of me as child
Praying the lost boy can be found
I'm a pathological procrastinator
My pain is the worst flavor
Haunted by dreams wide awake
So you know I'll stay up
I'm the water boy who grew out of his phases
I don't give flowers I'll just send vases
Can't get high off the loud
Wasn't hitting when he did it by the ounce
So now
He smoked by the pound
It got his head pounding
Rerouted to the lost connection
Restarted the router
Out of time the clock tower
Rip the power lines there's no power
We blackout, in the dark a lot of you will cower
Kendrick taught me my idols aren't my saviors
Drake showed me all my worst behaviors
I thank Cole for being someone I can relate to
I'm my biggest fan and somehow my biggest hater
Ready to meet my maker
I'll write it all on this paper
I'm not worried if I don't make it
A difference is what I want to be making
I asked myself this
What if
I never got
Because I don't give
Trying to redefine my hatred into power
You salty but your expression seems sour
My worst moments always screen capture
Freed my compassion but who's your captor
You'll see what I mean in the second chapter
Judged simply by one's stature
Wasn't at church but still saw the pastor
Spoiled longevity cuz the beer wasn't pasteurized
I can't act oblivious and wise
While the newborn expires
Three days out the womb
Can't do the surgery because she's barely a baby
Let alone a child
The parents are restless and tired
Until it was time
They baby girl cease function
Dressed in all black family function
There's no riddle
No conundrum
Just death
Waited 9 months just to hold cold flesh
Swerving out of control I'm totally wrecking it
Visiting empty rooms of my dead relatives
Anxiety attacks, abusing these sedatives
Being so nice showed me no benefits
But I still refuse to breed malevolence
Left me high and dry but for some reason I'm drenched
Using money to buy them a sixth sense
I'm stuck in a cycle and in a box
The way things are cut
The bloopers never got caught
Satan whispering it's all for naught
Respecting myself is a lesson yet to be taught
I got a high work output lower my watts
I went to the doctors
They don't know what I got
Just take shot after shot
Until you can't feel your veins
My brain shouldn't tell me my heart is where I should aim
If I want stones to have a print of my name
Turned what was mental
And made it emotional
I wonder if my feelings are influential
Begging for someone to hold my heart gentle
Sing me to sleep with a lullaby
Trying to clarify my alibi
Oh you can't be sad all you do is smile
Let my battle cry magnify
To people whose lives parallel mine
I saw my uncle once but that doesn't mean that I met him
Funny the police still looking for confessions
Who will justify
If I just defy
The gravity of the situation
I could never be a hater
You act too brazen
I was told if I ain't going to bust it then I shouldn't have it
He saw it happen
Man froze then his brain matter
Paint the molasses
Killer took the gun then drove right past him
That refrained me from asking
Why in the world would they close the casket
I wonder if God regrets his son being crucified
I wonder if my mistakes were worthwhile
Was I really worth the sacrifice
What am bringing to the table
Other than the truth perceived as a fable
Written a certain way to make it look fatal
Clogged my sensors now everything's painful
I'm stuck in the beta with cheat codes
Go for what's mine down below
Always looking down I call it CeeLo
Tried to stay higher than a G note
They say I'm riding waves but I'm not a sailor
The suit is bluefish thanks to the tailor
I have more questions excuse my manners
How can I relax when there's room for failure
I hear it constantly
S-u-i-c-i–d-e
I question my priority
Always putting someone before me
Hardly enjoying
Other people's company
As they laugh with me
But I'm not smiling
R-e-s-p-e-c-t
You don't deserve that from me
Never trusted our chemistry
My funeral may be revelry
Cuz I'll be relieved
Of the stressing
Just, please
Somebody answer me