Can't Exist (Poem)

When I came into your life
There was light
The Friday night kind
The glow of the fire kind
The unsteady, best foot forward
Smiles all around kind

It was right
It felt right
Until it didn't
Until there was commitment
The thing that is supposed to be bright
Supposed to bring prodigious light
To all involved
Was dampered by falsified joy

I celebrated extravagantly
But empathetically
I could see the light leave your eyes
Could feel contempt towards my light

That was where the sword was drawn
That was where the unraveling had begun

Years passed
Clouds covering the sun
Turned into perpetual night
And I was numb

Then one fateful afternoon
The sun peaked out
The glow of the morning
Brought a sense of hope, of freedom
But just as the sun arose
It tumbled back down
Along with the hope of ever being seen
In the true light of day

And back I went
Into the hazy version of myself
The one whose words were stifled
And whose smile never reached the eyes

You've claimed you wanted me
All of me, every part
But when I crack the door
It's slammed in my face with fervor

I can't exist, not like this
I can't exist when all you expect me to be
Is full of shit
I give you none of me
Cause you don't want it

Through cute words made to tame
I believed you
Your desire to know deeply
And relate greatly
But when I've tried
You don't want it
You
Don't
Want
It

So where does that leave us
I can't exist in the night
So I'll follow the sun
My light
I'll follow him away from your night
Away from your spite
I'll be happy
I'll have my prodigious light

And maybe sometimes
I'll dip my toe into the night
Bring you a book locked with a plastered smile
Give you a hug
And allow you to hang on
But then I'll be gone
Back where I'm from
Back from where you wish I had never come
And with my sun, I'll be happy