The Unicorn Song - Live Version

I've been looking all of my life
For that special someone
Who fits just right
I feel I deserve it
I've done a lot of therapy
It's clear as day that this would work for me
I've thought it over
I've talked it through
I know what I'm looking for
There's just one thing to do

I'll tell my wife we need a unicorn, unicorn, unicorn
A unicorn in our lives
We need a unicorn
Unicorn
Unicorn
To help our sex life survive
It'll be a dream
For everyone involved
Just us three
Writhing in a loving ball of kinky sex
That we'll all be good at
Just cause there's more of us it'll improve
Yeah a writhing sweaty ball of sex that's hot to look at
No one left out 'cause we're all in the groove
I've seen it work on tv
I've seen it work on tv
Come on baby work for me

Now my wife's on board
Yes
And we've got our list
Of rules and attributes
And of course her politics
That's very important to me
We'll meet at poly happy hour
On Thursday at four
And when we meet her there
We'll lay down the score
Yeah because you know
I don't want just like any unicorn off the street
You know what I'm talking about
I want the best
I want the best, most seasoned, most attractive unicorn
That's what I feel I deserve at this moment in my life

I want a girl who's attracted to me and my wife
Equally so it works out fifty-fifty every time
Mentally stable but emotionally available
Good abs and able to fuck us for days
I want a girl who's a gymnast
Why not
She has her own amazing friends
But she doesn't date any of them
She finds our remarks extremely wise
Laughing at our jokes and saying oh my god, you guys
If she volunteers with orphans that's cool
Pursuing her PhD in global finance
Her sweat tastes like rainbows and her nipples are stars
We never have to argue she's emotionally smart
We want a girl who's available
Not next Wednesday, but like the Wednesday after that
From like two to four thirty
And preferably somewhere in the Mission
Because that's where I work
But actually if she wanted to just meet me at work
We could have like fifteen minutes of hangout time
Just getting to wherever it is we're going
And when we spring it on her that New Year's should really be just us
She'll be like
Totally, that's fine
Thanks for taking care of yourselves
And when we tell her that we feel that she hasn't been putting in the work
She'll be like
Totally, you guys are everything to me
I get that your relationship is the focus here
So I will do my best to adapt
Just please keep fucking me
And then we would

And now we're seeking
The unicorn of our dreams
But we haven't really been impressed with what we've seen
Just regular people
Everywhere we viewed
And all the poly message boards have frankly been rude
They call us rookies
They call us naive
I think they're just jealous
They don't like what they see

They don't want us to have our unicorn, unicorn, unicorn
A unicorn all our own
They want to hide us from their
Unicorns unicorns unicorns
But we want one that we can bring home
It'll be a dream
Stroking her unicorn hair
She'll sleep in the guest room
Cause she knows it's hard to sleep when she's there
She'll be the best sex toy
I mean person
That we've used
I mean been with
I mean it'll be great
We can show her off when we're in the right context
And then when we're not we'll just have sex and skip the date
I've seen it work on TV
I've seen it work on TV
Come on baby work for me
And be my unicorn