starving

I didn't even realize that I was starving at first
Even when I was at my worst
I didn't realize that I had
Become completely immersed
In the deep sea of restriction, obsession, and fear
And I denied the brutal reality
That my death was near

At this point in my life
A time filled with overall conflict and strife
If my self-inflicted internal
Damage got any worse
Then I would be lying dead in a hearse
And I would have succumbed to the fatal curse
Of this petrifying disease
That is extremely perverse
And will always be a factor that remains adverse
And hinders my progress in a way that's diverse
And my deepest wounds were a whole war to reverse

The initial downfall involved heavy denial
And that denial lasted for a good while
Until I was on the border of life and death
And I had to be threatened
That I'd take my last breath
If I didn't make a significant change in my ways
And I would never get the
Mere chance to see better days
And that I would lose any possibility to see
All that life has in store for me

If I had perished at the age of sixteen
Then I would have never seen
The beautiful, mundane
Treacherous, or obscene
And every wonderful, little thing in between
And my future would have been obsolete
If I would have surrendered in utter defeat
My journey towards
Health is still far from complete
This disorder has a palpable and unfair conceit
This mental hell has a discernible heat
It's unfair that I was chosen to sit in this seat
The seat filled depression, fixation
Insecurity, and deceit
And I hope the day comes
When I don't worry about
Every single morsel of food that I eat

I obsess over my appearance
And count every flaw
My body so cold that it's forced to thaw
I feel so physically weak that I stumble around
And I'm feeling so agitated and tightly wound
The lack of nutrition has affected me deeply
And that impact has
Manifested within me
Comprehensively

I wish the frustration, dread, doubt
Conflict, and pain
Was simply easier to explain
This debilitating illness is
Exceedingly convoluted
Causing my mind to be entirely polluted
And though I'm pessimistic
I hope the day comes around
That the disease that I possess
Transforms into a profound
Collection of wisdom, experience
Articulation, expression
And liberation from my constant
Need to distrust or question
My knowledge, strengths, and positive traits
And a whole world of freedom
From the restriction awaits
I aspire to at least move in that direction
The direction of acceptance
Of my own reflection
And at least have a civil self-connection

My mind moves black-and-forth
So extremely
The complexity of the illness
Can be illustrated violently
So the only way that I can honestly end this
Is to say that eating disorders
Are nothing to dismiss
But in all honesty, I'm not at a point
Within my own healing
That I can provide a conclusion
That's collectively satisfying or appealing
My journey has gone on for many years
Through so many fiascos and a torrent of tears
And yet I still can't seem to relax for my own sake
Starvation can push you
Until you completely break