Never Talk

Black homes never talk
So I grew accustomed to what the lack of a voice felt like
I familiarized myself with suffering in silence
I became a prisoner to brave faces
And a puppet to suicidal ideations
Because depression stepped in for my father
As I watched my mother lash out for the way
unhealed traumas scarred her

It's hard to undo how the wounds of parents
Bleed out onto their children
Just for it become to the baggage they grow up
And carry with them
Watching family ties become undone
Forced into accepting that we could never replace what's missing
I watched people respond to my cries for help with distance
And built barriers where I needed bridges

So silence became my response to every inconvenience
While the volume went up on my demons
I take words lightly because I was raised on broken promises
So I grew numb to false words that encased insecurities into my skin
Making me a foreigner in my own body
On autopilot for months at a time
Detached from my conscious mind
Til poetry became my lifeline
I shut the world out
Til it became the only way for people to know me

Now I'm codependent to poetry
Cemented to my demons
Because what's a poet without heartbreak
And what's a poem without glamorizing trauma
When behind a mic is the only time
I feel safe enough to remove this armor
My deepest heartaches fill these pages
And some make it here with me onto these stages
For the stories of what left me broken to be taken as entertainment
They want front row tickets to hear
The stories that keep me up at night
Just so that they could leave feeling like
They got acquainted with every demon I fight

But I'm numb to it
Got my brain rewired into thinking that this shit is okay
To keep everything bottled up til I step on a stage
Drake said "I made a career out of reminiscing"
So Ima need y'all to clap for my pain
Because if I gotta live with these scars then I might as get paid
Because I put thousands into therapy and got no change
Just a resale of my anxiety
So my self-destructive ways could always rely on me
Now I keep my emotions neglected
Because my vulnerability leads to more misconceptions
And the sound of these demons never turn off
So I'm starting to understand why Black Homes Never Talk