The Catfish

Yesterday, I had a bad thing happen to me
I had a date, it turned out to be a catfish, oowee
I gotta say, I've never been the type to be mean
And I'm not tryna be mean I'm just tryna describe it accurately

Yeah, uh, girl wit a cute face single on tinder
I could see myself mingling with her
Nice restaurant, I ain't cheap when it's dinner
I arrive first, then I see her from a distance
Way heavier than she was in pictures
Real life showed things I couldn't see with a filter
Goddamn, gotta do it though

She walks up, I give her a hug
She smelled about as fresh as my rug
Shirt hella big but it fit her so snug
Trying not to look disappointed as I was

She wore flip flops, all toe nails were ear wax yellow
I'm thinking hell no
And they were too long as well bro
Where have they been I might never know
Wow, ooh

And her smile looked like
Somebody walked on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico
Collecting seashell fragments
And they threw em in a toothless woman's mouth

I could smell her breath from across the table
First thing she told me was she was unstable
I laughed, and said you shouldn't put a label
On yourself she said I didn't a doctor did

I'm like okay
Well, uh, how was your day
She said it was great
What'd you do?
I just laid around, how about you

I'm thinking you just laid around
I wrote some tracks started laying em down
I should just leave I ain't staying around
Disguising myself like I'm just another face in the crowd

Brainstorming, how do I dip
Before we order something, before we get a check
Go home and act like we ain't never met
Had an idea so I stopped and I said

Imma go to the bathroom real quick
She said okay, just don't fall in
I walked to the door of the bathroom for men
Passed it and went to the exit and left

Ran to my car for some reason my heart
Was racing a million miles a minute
Almost like someone was chasing me in it
I put it in reverse, wheels spinning

Then I saw something in my rear view mirror
Had to readjust it, couldn't see it clear
Last thing I wanted, I saw my worst fear
It was the catfish, livid in tears

She troddled in front of my car and said what are you doing
I'm sorry but will you please move it
We shouldn't force it that s**t would be stupid
Little did I know that would cause her to lose it

She walks to my window I had it rolled down
Securely I'm seated in my car right now
Stronger than she looks she pulls me out
I can't do nothing, she throws me down

Car still running while she in full mount
She's too damn heavy can't get off the ground
She gets my back and she chokes me out
I wake up, and I see my car rolling out
Of the parking lot

Did I deserve it
I know it's not nice, but I knew I had to split
She could've been real instead of deceiving
So why should I feel bad at all about leaving

Yesterday, I had a bad thing happen to me
I had a date, I turned out to get my ass kicked, oowee
I gotta say, I've never been the type to be mean
And I wasn't tryna be mean, I was just tryna get out of there peacefully

Instead she wanted a piece of me
And she got the whole when she beat my ass
Stole my car and stole my keys
I was too embarrassed to call the police

Got a new car yeah man she can have that
Past is the past yeah, I don't wanna backtrack
I don't wanna think about the fact that
She had more, stretch marks than a old man

Who's been on steroids his whole life
But I shouldn't say that, that's impolite
But what she did to me just ain't right
But women gon lie, and I guess that's life

It was dishonest and it wasn't modest
It turned out a blessing cuz I learned a lesson
Now I know I need to FaceTime before going on a date
Every time, that's no exception, damn