Cult Leader

Well, I rolled out of bed and I checked my phone
It was the weekly end of the world And so
I called my friend with several acres of land
Said, let's start a cult, my man

He said, Carl, you must be out your goddamn mind
There's no way we convince people that we're divine
You've had ego issues in the past, my friend
But you've outdone yourself this time

But don't it sound nice to have 17 wives
And live off the land and have campfires every night
How hard could it really be to form a new society
Just wave your hands and say we got what you need

He said, Carl, you might have me convinced
You are quite well known for your charismaticness
And our organization could be quite amazing
What's the worst that could come of this

So I put some ads up on some websites
Are you searching for a deeper purpose in life?
If every single day just feels so mundane

I can make all of that change
Yeah, we grow our own food out in the garden
We host group yoga every morning
So just take the night to open your third eye

And we think you'll fit in just fine
You're so special and we all care about you
But there's one or two things you're gonna need to prove
We need loyalty of the highest degree speaking strictly financially

Yeah, but don't it sound great to live free of hate
Just come with us, your happiness awaits
Just join our tribe, we promise you'll thrive
We think you'll find it's well worth the fine

We've been growing our numbers for six months or so
And then I got a call on the telephone
And I could not believe who was speaking to me
It was the US military

They said, sir, we've been watching you
We are quite impressed
Your people sign away their lives without a second guess
If you care to share any tips of the trade name your price, it'll get paid

I said, it's not complex, I'm sure you'll agree
Nobody's problems in life are really all that unique
So today you can make the problems go away, keep the details vague

Yeah, make it sound like you can fix their lives
And all you need are their initials on the dotted line
Just give them something to believe
A purpose or cause they can follow blindly

And when you're starting a cult, confusion is your friend,
That might sound evil, It's just a means to an end
So play your cards close to the table and you might end up with a thriving cult

Yeah, play your cards close to the table
And you might end up
with a thriving cult