Selfish

I know that all the things I do are for myself and not for you
And I hope that that'll change someday
But subconsciously, I've found this the only way
To stay sane to love my brain
To pretend that no one else exists
Or that they do, but don't matter a bit

Because caring only caused me to hurt
And I don't want to disconcert
The balancing of this mind teeter-totter
I'm at one end, but I was on the other longer
Janeen, you're so selfish Janeen, you deserve this
You deserve this
This is why you have no friends
And I hope you never find a purpose

I'm trying and trying and trying to care
But when I do, it's fake and that's not fair
To you or anyone else
And I hope I'm not stopping you from loving yourself
Because I really love you, I really do
I hope that you take that as true
Because it is true

I find myself falling, most of the time
Into my own things, into my mind
The world keeps staying the same
But my perception of it changes day to day
It's hard for me to say who I am
And if I don't know that, then how can
I begin to know anyone else
I don't know your mind when I don't know myself

I think it's all fake and we're all on a grid
Everything's set, this is the way that it is
We're just points on a 3D graph
And handling consciousness is a difficult task
If you're to do it successfully
To feel in control without being a bully

I have trouble with the simplest connections
I hang up the phone rather than check the reception
I'm screaming into an empty line
Thinking that I'm fine, trying to pass the time
Hoping to find something to pull me out of this
To make me feel real, make me know that I exist

I'm always seeking validation, and never giving it