Leonnia (Extended Version)

Hey
Sometimes I get upset, people believe in me too much
Feel like it's pressure and a reason for me to keep going when it's tough
Lately, every day been tough
I've hardly had the time to breathe
I fell in love and lost my heart
In the same year... I'm tryna grieve
I got a team
And they believe
But am I selfish cuz I don't
They encourage me keep fighting
Am I helpless if I wont
I been tryna not to drink
I've been tryin not to smoke
Cuz I'm afraid I'll be dependent
On a vice to help me cope
I wanna jump inside that casket
I wanna hold my mama close
Sometimes I sit inside her house alone and try to feel her ghost
But that's not my gift, so I just sit
Looking stupid
Leaking tears
Cuz how arrogant was I to think i'd have a few more years
A lil more time to take you shopping ma
More time to buy you gifts
More time to get that house I promised
And finally take some pics
Cuz I know you always hated pictures but I got you to submit
Cuz you so gorgeous it's important to let the world know you exist.
I'm glad I gave you one last kiss, if I would known I'd given twenty
You always said you wanted rest... and now you gone and you got plenty
And it hurts
Hard to smile when I feel awful inside
Imagine being afraid to lose someone,
And then watching them die.
Keep it goin
Keep it goin
And it hurts
Hard to smile when I feel awful inside
Imagine being afraid to lose someone,
And then watching them die

Verse two
Another attempt with the pen to vent again
And channel this hurt through
I haven't prayed in some days and it shames me to say
that I ain't been to church to
I opened the page Ventilation my virtue
But Am I Saiyan enough? Or am I just Hercule
I relive the day, the pain, the sight of her laying... the panic immense
Paramedics there pumping her chest while I stress
Knowing this is the end
Paralytic I stand in cement
Turning my trembling hands into fist
Dammit, I Can't even vent
Admitting that losing my grandma is a cannon event.
I got down to hold her until her body got colder
Her face getting stiff is a feeling I never got over
I only thought of Rigor Mortis as a song by Kenny Lamar
Now I experience it while my grandma is gone
Wasn't ready to come home and I told her
Fuck
I'm fuckin heartbroken
Like why the fuck I let them people cut yo heart open
Tell me how do you heal
How do you deal
How do you start coping
Try to swallow the pain and then I start choking
My brains become a dark ocean
I was told to take a break from writing this and recap how I feel
Never unpacked it
I just stayed distracted from the real
The fact that I'm even writing's giving chills
But taking a break from work won't give me a break from bills
And what's ill is that
People always tellin me that my realest raps are when I'm healing
Poetry my penicillin
Off the top I pen a ceiling
It's just hard to think I felt on top of the world a day before...
Now my world feel like it ain't shit without you in it
Pardon my speech, as I'm writing this I'm starting to weep,
Now I'm reminiscing watching you sleep
Did a deal with God I guess offered you peace
I'll fight for you because you fought hard for me
And I'll never leave u
I'll never leave u
I'll never leave u