This Is a Work of Fiction

Hey, Kev, do not despair. No matter how hard life becomes
There's hope out there for everyone, even guys who play the drums
I know it sucks, but in the scheme of this uncaring universe
Though playing drums is pretty dumb, there's fellas got it even worse

You need a girl, that's all you need. No matter how far-fetched it may seem
That any girl could want a drummer, dare to dream, buddy. Just dare to dream
I know most girls will run away; I know most girls ignore your calls
But there must be somebody out there with a thing for neanderthals

I don't know how, I don't know where, but I have faith there must be chicks
Who dig on guys that sit around all day and bang on things with wooden sticks
You need to pray. Pray every day. And you say, "Lord, deliver me
A worthy maiden fit to be the Pamela to my Tommy Lee"

Now even though I sing the lead and play guitar, I can relate
You would not think to look at me, but my love life ain't fully great
See, first my wife done kicked me out and then my girlfriend did the same
And the hardest part is knowing I may be partially to blame

The other day, I asked to dance with this young lass I was romancing
And, this is true, she said, "The only dance I do is stripper dancing"
And oh, my shock! My disbelief! I lost no time, I said, "My dear
This is a far, far too classy bar. Now, we don't allow no sexy dancing here!

"This is not some sleazy dive of dubious propriety!
The people here are decent folk full of Christian piety
And if you flaunt those lovely legs and if you shake those lethal hips
Then we will all avert our gaze as we would from an eclipse

"So you need to pray, girl. Pray every day. You need to say 'Forgive me, God!
Give me a chance! Teach me to dance like a normal, classy broad!'"
But there's hope for her. There's hope for me. And when that day of judgment comes
There's hope out there for everyone, even guys who play the drums