Intruder

I've been searching for myself
Been tryna break me out this cell
Sometimes I feel like an intruder in my home
It's like I'm locked out of my soul
Do you know what it feels like to walk around
Everyday feeling like a fraud?
I question everything that I do like
"You're just trying to fit in, you're really a façade"
That is what the voice inside my head says
That is why I struggle to believe that anything I do is genuine
That is why I'm hesitant
That is why I always think I'm fake
That is why I lack a sense of identity
At times I do things I don't wanna do just to please people
I put my foot down, it just sounds weak, feeble
Twenty-two, yet I struggle with my boundaries
Two letters, one word, but my heart is pounding
Spineless, that's why I'm good at bending over backwards
Just for you to like me, I bend until my back hurts
Bend until I'm broken, until I start to harbor resentment
Blame you 'cause I can't say no
I've been searching for myself
Been tryna break me out this cell
Sometimes I feel like an intruder in my home
It's like I'm locked out of my soul
I'd like to share a little story, can you sit tight?
I was doing grade one, I think I was six? Five?
Early in the year, athletic tryouts
Run against classmates, might as well
First race, number one
Second race, number one
Kinda fun, the next race we run against the other class
There's this other kid, I heard that he was kinda fast
Can I take him on? Only time will tell
Then I got second place, I was hurt
I got home, my mom asked, I told her I was first
I lied, she was proud, I felt instant shame
Then I stopped running because
I thought it wasn't worth it if I'm not the best
But I wish I didn't mind being second
I wish I'd never lied to impress her
She would say that it's alright
That if I'm trying my best, I should be proud of my effort
Now every night I regret it
I've been searching for myself
Been tryna break me out this cell
Sometimes I feel like an intruder in my home
It's like I'm locked out of my soul
Every night I regret it
'Cause now every next song I write must be better
Better than the last one, or else why even try?
It just won't suffice my own pressure
Reducing my emotions to how many syllables
Make sure at least three by now is the minimum
Wow really pitiful, I don't speak my mind
The amount of the rhymes in my line is the metric
And since 2017, I still feel like I'm locked out of myself
Like I'm just a spectator in my own film
I don't feel, just going through the motions
I can't climb up the fences
I built the walls too high during my times of depression
I pray through the AMs, try to repent
But where's the divine intervention
Dear Sihle, if you're hearing my cries, can you let me in?
I'm outside, please accept me
I mean, why do you reject me?
If anybody knows how I can revive the connection with my mind
Can you help please?
Please help
(I've been searching for myself)
I've been searching for myself
Been tryna break me out this cell
Sometimes I feel like an intruder in my home
It's like I'm locked out of my soul