Word Crimes

Everybody shut up

Everyone listen up (hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey)

If you can't write in the proper way
If you don't know how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class
And maybe now you find
That people mock you online (everybody wise up)

Okay now here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions
Literacy's your mission

And that's why I think it's a good time
To learn some grammar (what)
Now did I stammer?
Work on that grammar
You should know when it's less or it's fewer
Like people who were
Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes
Like I could care less
That means you do care
At least a little
Don't be a moron
You'd better slow down and use the right pronoun
Show the world you're no clown (everybody wise up)

Say you got an I-T followed by apostrophe S
Now, what does that mean?
You would not use "it's" in this case as a possessive (no, no, no)
It's a contraction (yeah, yeah, yeah)
What's a contraction?
"Well, it's the shortening of a word
Or group of words by omission of a sound or letter"

Okay now, here's some notes
Syntax you're always manglin'
No "x" in espresso
Your participle's danglin'
But I don't want your drama
If you really wanna, leave out that Oxford comma

Just keep in mind that be, see, are, you
Are words, not letters
Get it together, use your spell checker
You should never
Write words using numbers
Unless you're seven, or your name is Prince

I hate these word crimes
You really need a full-time proofreader
You dumb mouth-breather
Well, you should hire
Some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish what is proper English (everybody wise up)

One thing I ask of you
The time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence too
Always say "to whom"; don't ever say "to who"
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade; I hope you can tell
If you're doing good or doing well (everybody wise up)

Better figure out the difference
Irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
'Bout what's figurative and what's literal
Oh, but just now (just now) you said (you said)
You "literally couldn't get out of bed" (what)
That really makes me wanna literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail (yeah, yeah)
It's quite apparent your grammar's errant
You're incoherent
Saw your blog post (hey, hey)
It's really fantastic
That was sarcastic (aw psych!) 'cause you write like a spastic

I hate these word crimes (everybody wise up)
Your prose is dopey
Think you should only write in emoji
Oh, you're a lost cause
Go back to pre-school, get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not drool

Never mind, I give up
Really now, I give up
(Hey-hey-hey)
(Hey-hey-hey)
(Go away)