The Opener

Check, check, check, check
Cash, Credit, Debit get it?
Aw forget it, hold up, give me a second - Check it!
Mr. Soundguy in the booth, hey what's up?
Please put your fingers on those faders push 'em all the way up
So I can holler at all of these people
So I can welcome 'em as they are enterin'
So I can let them all know what they're getting in
Maybe I'll yell at them "Ladies, and Gentleman!
I have every intention of giving your disbelief suspension
Only requesting several seconds worth of your precious attention."
So I can.
Hit the stage and warm it up it's so cold
Here we go, so you thought you might like to go to the show?
Let's have us a laugh now lift up your glass
And here's to what's hoping - at last!
I'd like to introduce you all to your opening act! (yeah)
Open up your eyes
Open up your mind
Open up your heart
Open up your hands
Open up all right
Open up your arms
Open up your wallet
Open up your mouth
The opener has come to open up tonight
Last name Darklord, first name Schaffer
But everybody's always misspelling that shit when they're listing it up in the paper
AND if you can not remember that than you can just as easily be calling me S to the T to the goddamn D
I come from NYC, specifically from Queens
Always rock a suit on stage, never tees and jeans
I have released these CDs on which I've talked of my disease
If you get nerds hot nightly, well then you're A Lot Like Me
See I'm an oddity, an oddball, an anomaly
And I got all of my skills from my history of musical theater and heavy metal and comedy
All of these rotten kids calling me labels that I've been unable to keep falling on to me
Honestly, I've managed to amass a modestly sized following - Follow me!
We're gonna go on an adventure, we're all in this together
Now ready or not, Here comes the heavy weather
So all aboard, but just you be warned if we're delayed I'm to blame
Cuz guess what?! I'm still the sickest passenger on this train! (yeah)
Open up your eyes
Open up your mind
Open up your heart
Open up your hands
Open up all right
Open up your arms
Open up your wallet
Open up your mouth
The opener has come to open up tonight
Everyone's waiting to see what will happen
"Now who is this stranger that's rappin'?" You're askin'
My fans have been naggin' "When you comin' back?"
While I'm in the lab and still tracking this action
And if you downloaded this record for free
Then good for lucky you
And if you've already memorized all of the words
Whoopty-fucking-doo, dude
Nah, I'm humbled and honored and grateful and all of the rest you'd expect
But I am so old and so cranky at times it is so hard to hide my contempt
Please don't take it personally, if I am curt with thee, if I should scarily snap back
In my defense, I already warned you all I'm a Very Bad Man
And I've had struggles with drugs and lots of weird issues with sex, it's true
Just ask my therapist and my army of exes too
Callus with my family, a jackass to my friends
But I'll never change, I'll never apologize, and I'll never attempt amends (Now back to the show!)
So now that I have been released from my cage
I'll page your headliner, show them to the place upstage
As I rap and I point and I sweat and I spit and I swear and I kill and I shout
Then drop my mic, light my piano on fire, and bounce I'm out (Yeah)
Open up your eyes
Open up your mind
Open up your heart
Open up your hands
Open up all right
Open up your arms
Open up your wallet
Open up your mouth
The opener has come to open up tonight
(REPEAT)
YEAH!
UNH!