Road Rules

Ah, the birds are chirping
It's just an average Monday, I can't wait to start working
But first things first, at the break of dawn I'm thirsty
For a raw egg submerged in powdered protein

As I stumble past the mirror, I see stubbled calves
Thinking that's something I should take care of
So as a great display, I embrace the day
Shave my legs, and draw a bubble bath

Ah, now that's the right combo
Naked in my condo, looking like a hairless cat
Flexing, my reflection's vexing
Calves are so smooth I can see 'em glaring back

Saying, you're the next Lance Armstrong
No one would know the difference between a pear and your ass
Screw putting a pair of pants on
You're an athlete at the track meet, top of your class

Wiggling into spandex, slipping ankle socks on
Admiring my outfit advertisement of a Nascar
Filling my fanny pack with granny snacks
The helmet strap snap marks a plan of attack

I'm a man of the moment, not a man of the past
Aerodynamic as an arrow, narrow and fast
Thin as a scarecrow, flyer than a sparrow
My ponytailed hair blows in the wind as I roll past

I ride two wheels, you ride four
We're both egotistical, meek and fickle
No matter the audience, we're both eyesores
On our high-horse, whether car or bicycle

You ride four wheels, I ride two
We're both egotistical, meek and fickle
You don't like me and I don't like you
Same road, same fools not abiding by the same rules

Ah, the birds are chirping
It's just an average Monday, I can't wait to start working
But first things first, at the break of dawn I'm thirsty
For a Starbucks coffee and a swish of Listerine

As I stumble past the mirror, I see a stubbled neck
Thinking that's something I should double-check
Before I make my way, I razor blade away the grey
And apply some Just For Men

Now this suit and tie combo make's me a tight honcho
With a cologned, lustful scent
Flexing, my reflection's vexing
My collar's so starched it's like I'm dressed for a wedding

From my cufflinks to this designer tie
No one'll know the difference between me and Barry White
I'm "never gonna give you up," my ride
Fully detailed, warmed up, and waiting outside

Wiggling into wingtips, slipping driving gloves on
Admiring my outfit, eeling bomb-beta-dot-com
So manly, dapper with my uncanny swagger
Ready to hit the road with a plan to attack her

I'm a man of the moment, not a man of the past-ure
Feeling golden with a selfie to capture
The fact that I'm wealthy, healthy and happier
Than any bi-pedalling, fixed gear actor

I ride four wheels, you ride two
We're both egotistical, meek and fickle
You don't like me and I don't like you
Same road, same fools, not abiding by the same rules

You ride two wheels, I ride four
We're both egotistical, meek and fickle
No matter the audience, we're both eyesores
On our high-horse, whether car or bicycle

Whenever there's a green light we both see red
Inconsiderate fellows never waving, hello, hell, no!
Hell, we'll soon be dead
Tossing caution to the wind with no recognition of yellow

We ride up the same hills to a place to get paid
Still, ignoring that our collars are of the same build
Forget the rules of the road, you never move when you're told
We're out of control and it's the "brakes" to remain still

We passive aggressively establish intensity
And through acts of indiscretion, cause accidents, accidentally
Duh, it's a problem of propensity, perpetually stuck
Preventing any measuring up

Here we are on the road again
Making decisions on our own and no one's our friend
This wasteland's our Graceland, our battle begins
Once our fists are all clenched thinking how we can win

Here we are on the road again
It's a race to the finish and no one's our friend
This wasteland's our Graceland, our battle begins
Where the asphalt starts and where the sidewalk ends

You ride four wheels, I ride two
We're both egotistical, meek and fickle
You don't like me and I don't like you
Same road, same fools not abiding by the same rules

You ride two wheels, I ride four
We're both egotistical, meek and fickle
No matter the audience, we're both eyesores
On our high-horse, whether car or bicycle