Bring Me My Bride (A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum)

[SOLDIERS]
One, two! One, two!

[MILES]
We not only fought, but we won, too!

[SOLDIERS]
One, two! One, two!
Left, right! Left, right!

[MILES]
There's none of the enemy left, right?

[SOLDIERS]
Right! Left... right... right? Left?

[MILES]
Halt!

[PSEUDOLUS]
Hail, Miles Gloriosus.
Welcome to Rome.
Your bride awaits you.

[MILES]
My bride...
My bride!
My bride!
I've come to claim my bride,
Come tenderly to crush her against my side.
Let haste be made!
I cannot be delayed:
There are lands to conquer, cities to loot and peoples to degrade.

[SOLDIERS]
Look at those arms!
Look at that chest!
Look at them!

[MILES]
Not to mention the rest.
Even I am impressed!
My bride!
My bride!
Come, bring to me my bride.
My lust for her no longer can be denied.
Convey the news!
I have no time to lose:
There are towns to plunder, temples to burn and women to abuse.

[SOLDIERS]
Look at that foot!
Look at that heel!
Mark the magnificent muscles of steel!

[MILES]
I am my ideal!
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, slaughterer of thousands,
I, oppressor of the meek,
Subduer of the weak,
Degrader of the Greek,
Destroyer of the Turk,
Must hurry back to work.

[MILES & ROMANS:]
I/he, Miles Gloriosus,

[SOLDIERS]
A man among men!

[MILES & ROMANS:]
I/he, paragon of virtue,

[SOLDIERS]
With sword and with pen!

[MILES]
I, in war the most admired,
In wit the most inspired,
In love the most desired,
In dress the best displayed--
I am a parade!

[SOLDIERS]
Look at those eyes, cunning and keen,
Look at the size of those thighs, like a mighty machine!

[PSEUDOLUS]
Those are the mightiest thighs that I ever have theen!
I mean...

[MILES]
My bride!
My bride!
Inform my lucky bride:
The fabled arms of
Miles are open wide.
Make haste!
Make haste!
I have no time to waste:
There are shrines
I should be sacking,
Ribs I should be cracking,
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide.
Bring me my bride!