There! Right There!

There, right there
Look at that tan, well tinted skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubbly chin
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay

I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
The totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay, I say, not gay

That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically medically fay?

But look at his quoft and crispy locks
Look at his silk translucent socks
There's the eternal paradox
Look, what we're seeing, what are we seeing?
Is he gay? Of course, he's gay or European?

Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
Well, hey don't look at me

You see, they bring their boys up
Different in those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts

Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They will say things like, "Ciao, bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks
Oh please

Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way
Is he gay or European or live right there?

Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro-hetro jerk
That guy's not gay, I say no way

That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to presume that a hottie in that costume
Is automatically, radically, ironically, chronically
Certainly, curtainly, genetically, medically gay?
Officially gay, officially gay, gay, gay, gay

Dammit, gay or European?
So stylish and relaxed
Is he gay or European?
I think his chest is waxed

But they bring their boys up different
There it's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse

Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code
Yet, his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy toed

Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at eight on Saturday

Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro?

Wait a minute
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try
The floor is yours

So, Mr. Argitacos
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam
Has been going on for? Two years
And your first name again is? Nicos

And your boyfriend's name is? Carlos
I'm sorry, I misunderstand
You say boyfriend
I thought you say best friend, Carlos is my best friend

You bastard, you lying bastard
That's it, I no cover for you, no more
Peoples, I have a big announcement
This man is gay and European

Whoa, and neither is his place
You've got to stop your being a completely closet case
It's me, not her he's seein'
No matter what he say

I swear, he never ever, ever swing the other way
You are so gay, you big parfait
You flaming boy in cabaret

I'm straight
You were not yesterday
So if I may, I'm proud to say

He's gay and European
He's gay and European
He's gay and European and gay

Fine okay, I'm gay
Hooray