Teotwawki

It's nice to meet you, Wendy
I hope you don't mind
I took the liberty of ordering us
A bottle of red wine
And breadsticks
Heard they were really good here
So just water then?
That's fine
First dates can be so awkward
But I'm sure you'll agree
Some traits are much more important
Than personality
Or money
Or hygiene
Things like surviving the pending apocalypse
Oh, you'll see
Some guys have 401s, well, I've got batteries
Who needs a fancy meal
When you've got piles of MREs?
They drive expensive cars
And yeah, it looks like fun
At least until the gas runs dry
And leather-clad marauders rule
With retro-fitted guns

I drive a Honda Civic

The big one is coming, Wendy
It could be any day
It might be a massive tornado
Or a tidal wave
Or superflu. Or earthquake, or—
You're buzzing. You need to get that?
Okay

Some guys wear tailored suits
And matching colored ties
But well-dressed men won't save you
When the zombie hordes arise
My basement's reinforced
My bugout kit's supplied
I just need someone to hold in the dark
When terraforming aliens rain terror
From the skies

I rent a room from my parents

The icecaps are melting, Wendy
The waters will rise
Soon, we will all have webbed feet
And unblinking eyes
And gills
So, don't get too caught up on appearance
Your last boyfriend was a model?
How nice

You seem distracted, Wendy
Am I not what you dreamed?
Maybe you should blame societal standards
Instead of eHarmony
What's that? Got to go?
Got a family emergency?
No, don't worry about the bill
It's on me

I've planned for Russian nukes
And radiation leaks
I've got enough ammo to hold off
All the mutant freaks
Check my survival guide
But there's no helpful chart
To prepare you for the natural disaster
Of a lonely, broken heart

And also robot uprisings
Those are actually difficult to predict.