Mourning

I birthed breath to grief I couldn't understand
That knew only authenticity as my melancholy hands
Shook beneath the weight of something you had once entrusted me to hold
In growing old, I only long to be consoled

Instead I have been left as just a vessel for my aches
A crooked spine that buckled once
But never thought to heal the break

Now nostalgia comes home once a week
Drunk and delusional, slurring her speech
She talks about trying again
Slumped heavy on the frame of the door to the room where I wait

I barely said a word at all, scared to tell you how I felt
Has my memory decayed?
I don't remember falling into love, and it kills me every day
I hope I never fucking hear your name again

Carry me lifeless and afraid back to our bed
But truth be told, it never felt like we were laying together sleeping
Only that my broken body had been crushed between your sheets
Like dead flowers between the pages of a journal you never read any more
You just flick through when you're bored
The only time you ever call is to remind me of something we never were
Were we anything at all?

No Heaven without Hell beneath
In misery without you and me
Your memory won't let me sleep
I never thought I'd be so weak

Lonely is as lonely was, no more than a memory
Can't deny it anymore, our love is dead and buried
Senseless, I've been caring for the house that we called home
Hell was loving you at all, my dear, because now I'm alone