My Apologies

I really don't even know where to begin
I got all these feelings and thoughts in my head, well now I still got em but sometimes they're gone.
Honestly I just don't know what I did with them
My head's unbalanced between the emotions, whether or not I can afford to show em
Whether I bottle all of them inside of me, try to convince everyone I don't own em
But that never really works right?
It's not great, I really hate it affiliate it with you see, these people can see through me but they couldn't open their eyes to see you bleed?
And it's difficult I guess but I'm different to the rest cause I did know you told your confidant
Did nothing with it though, I was kinda useless
I don't blame you sis, I just blame me made you feel like a nuisance into a memory
Now I'm fighting the tears always creeping on me while I'm trying to breathe
Tryna siphon my dreams, you ain't gonna beat me
I'm sitting here in this room on my bed, trying to write you a letter
All of the words up inside of my head are just staying up there, they ain't coming to paper
It's kind of ironic see most of the time in my head i don't know how I feel anymore
All of the people they say it's okay to express and I tell them I'm fine they don't buy it at all
Do I buy it myself? I don't know, face the facts; I'm kinda poor
Not having much money yeah that really sucks but you're gone and that's one more thing I haven't got
I haven't got

I guess in a way I always kinda knew or at least just saw it coming
The number of times I was talking to you and you mentioned you're struggling, yeah they were countless
I mean I could count on you, now I just count less
The back of my mind always tells me I'm worthless
It only tells when I decide to ask it and you told me not to and to break the habit but now I still have it and I don't have you
And I don't really know what to do
Cause I got in the back of my mind that suicide could help me if it had helped you
But I look around and that ain't true
I'm sitting in church and I look at the pews and right now they're empty but I know come funeral time they'll be full of the people that care
Now why you abused yourself, guess I'll just never know
Wrists and thighs: stuff you would never tell me, your friend, your brother and personal counsellee when I wasn't feeling well
Thanks for that by the way, I don't think I would have made it without you in fact I believe it
I know you're gone but can't keep it between us
It's ours but I can't thank you anymore
That really sucks so screw it, what am I even here for?
To make tracks, and publish em?
Or wind up in front of a jury of peers determined to cut it down?
My dream doesn't matter now
Like you I just had enough

Cause I'm reading through all your notes and the journals, just trying to figure out stuff that's internal
In your world, cause heaps of the talks we had were just superficial
Didn't know that I hurt all these people with actions and words that I said
Least of all you, that's my biggest regret
Cause I don't regret much and I live in the moment but pain that I read, it was never intent
Should've listened to your doctor and talked to a friend
Have a vent cause they care and will maybe understand
But cutting as a group is a dangerous path, no better individually, the grazes amass
Tried to be there, in a person, depressed
Clean up the mess, made it worse
Like I said: reading your pain that was not my intent

I thought relations I broke were mine only, and I was fine with that: I don't mind lonely
If I'd realised that you cried during my fights then I would have tried holding my tongue, not saying what I find owing
In the midst of an argument; a fight brewing
I would've sat down, shut up, my pride bruising and held my opinions inside for you
That's the kind of guy that I'm tired of losing
But I'm sorry you convinced yourself of lies told you, like nobody ever cared how your life's going, or that over all the years we were tied to you, and we felt an obligation to deny onus
I'm sorry, for my part I let it get to me too
And I'm sorry when it did I pushed it all onto you, like you didn't have enough to deal with in your life already without the stress of a brother who's breaking down in your room
I'm sorry about the things that I'd undo, given half a chance I'd change and become new
I'd address the things that hang and invite gloom and I'd determined that ignoring was the right move
It's doing things like that that might prove the negativity suspected in the night moods
That's basically the choice you decided to choose, and it didn't turn out great in my view
I tried to convey that while you had life still
I fail to figure out my moods, let alone try to help and to cite truth
You'd see right through
Like I was a ghost and opaque was the quality I'd lose
Like... Like you... Are you happy?
Now you're a rap theme
And more, always a memory in the minds of the people that cared deep that you wouldn't dare believe
No matter how obvious facts be
You genuinely could've asked me
I'm pouring my heart on a blank beat
Analysing how death can affect me
It's neck deep
And these are just feelings I can reach
The emotions I decode, and I can preach from the soul cause you have me and we're family
We're family
That doesn't always have to be a bad thing