Research Me Obsessively

Hey, what are you doing
for the next thirteen hours?

Don't do anything healthy.
Don't be productive.
Give in to your desire.

Research me obsessively

Uh-huh!

Find out everything
you can about me
You know you want to
dig for me relentlessly

Uh-huh!

Using every available
search tool and all forms
of social media

You know you want to
look at my Instagram
but it's private
so Google me until
you find out where
I went to high school
and then set up a fake
Instagram account
using the name
and the photo
of someone that went
to my high school
and hope that I remember
that person a little bit

Then request access to
my private Instagram
from the fake account
and in the meantime scour
my work Instagram account
cause that one's public.

Research me obsessively

Uh-huh!

Find an actual picture
of my parents' house
on Google Maps
You know you want to
hunt for me tirelessly

Uh-huh!

It's not stalking 'cause
the information is
all technically public

Check out every guy
I used to date

And deduce who
broke up with who
based on the hesitation
in our smiles

So many unanswered questions.

Did I go to the
University of Texas?

Am I an EMT?

Is that my obituary
in which I'm survived
by my loving husband
of 50 years; children
Susan and Mathew
and grandchild Stephanie?

Wait no. That's just all the
people with my same name.

Or is it?

Pay only 9.99 on a
background check web site
to know for sure.

So don't stop,
just research me
obsessively

Uh-huh!

and in lieu of flowers
donate to other me's
favorite charity

Research me
just research me
and research me
and research me

Oops.

It's three days later.