Heaviest of Hearts

I woke up early today, got up and stood up right against the sun
Felt God reign over me, took over and then uncleaned all I've ever known
And as he rose over the land, burning all of the seeds that I'd sewn
I felt a part of me burn, shading my bones to its darkest tones

Suddenly all turned to ashes, and yet it felt where I was meant to be
Don't let them blame you, don't let them fuck with your directions mentally
You never needed my help, you dived headfirst right into the light
So why does it look so dark when I've been searching all through the night?

Gaze and I fall, and I land on my feet
And I walk to the edge, as it stares back in me
And I fall out of hate
As it consumes me

I got up later today, staring at dull shades of black and white
I've never been here before and yet I'm at comfort with lack of light
And as I stare into the mirror, I'm astounded by my all of my conscious sight
Me and my world look the same, I've finally fallen straight into the night

Never or ever before had I seen myself right for who I am
A loser, a failure, a sham, a mask of the patriarch Abraham
Lording myself over Earth until all of you can now finally see
Everything I've ever said, is everything I will just never be

This is the shit I need
This is the shit I breathe
I know that I've intricately worried everybody wanna ask me what did I mean?
Writing cautionary tales as a labyrinth, cracking jokes about my health and the cracks in it
So we go back to Prozac, citalopram, paroxetine, mirtazapine'd to the ground

Feels like the pin's fallen out
Dealing with the fall out with a grin not a pout
Setting it apart but with the heaviest of hearts
I gotta tell em from the start I'm still dealing with the trauma now
I'm still fucked up by what it's all about
I'm still fucked up but I'm calming down
I'm sorry that I'm often down
I'm sorry that I'm not around

But you can catch me at the launderette, just rocking sweats
I'm not depressed, I'm prone to panic and thoughts of death
The autumn dress she wore was the bomb, a ten
But she knows I'll never call again, I wish her all the best
In a game that feels bottomless
Sticking to the same currency that's common cent
Man oh man I think I really went and did it couldn't quit it couldn't sit it out
I had to spit it out that's
Literally the oddest flex, but ok
Think I'm an easy job to best, there's no way
You gotta feel the consequence or go pray
That I'm feeling merciful on those days
I am just a mismatched sinner
I still miss Mac Miller
But I still think your diss track's filler
I still think you'll never find a kid that's iller