The Girl for You

Should we continue playing
Jewish
Geography? 'Cause I can give you like ten more names...

We can. I am good at this game.
Even if I'm not a Jew.

Oy vey! Oy vey!

I'm sorry, what did you just say?

I said, I'm not a Jew...

Oy vey! Oy vey!

This isn't the girl for you
This isn't the girl for you
Dai dai dai dai dai dai
Dai dai
Dai dai dai dai dai dai
Dai
This isn't the girl for you

Aaron, bubalah!!
Grandma Ida, is that you?
That's right!
What are you doing here? You're dead.

I was busy praying
At my temple in the sky
When I got an urgent message
That came straight from adonai!

He said, "Ida, it's your grandson.
He is acting out of line
'Cause he's dating casey clark
Instead of dating sarah stein!"

I begged, "Yahweh, send me to him!
I have wisdom to impart!
Plus my grandson Aaron loves me,
And he'd never break my heart.

I can make the pischer understand
The error of his ways.
Even I once schtupped a schvartza
It was just a passing phase!"

Eh, the schvartza was a phase!

So listen to me, boychik
You're a mensch who's been endowed
With brains and looks and talent -
I could plotz, I'm just so proud!

But though I cut you slack
When you did not return my calls,
If you wed this little tsatskeleh
I'll break your matzah balls!

This isn't the girl for you! - Oy oy oy!
This isn't the girl for you! - a goy goy goy!

She considers jesus boss
And thinks you nailed him to the cross!

This isn't the girl for you!
Not for you, not for you - hey!
Not for you - hey!
She's not for you!

Aaron?

Whoa. And who are you?
I'm Casey's father. Her very disapproving,
very Christian father. And Aaron...

You are ruining my daughter's life
Never thought my baby'd be a hebrew's wife.
Why would people called
"The chosen ones"
Choose to wear strange hats
And circumcise their sons?

Circumcise their sons!

You don't know the holy trinity
Or the joy felt when you trim a christmas tree.

And since you cannot sing "The first noel"
Jesus christ won't save you
From the gates of hell.

You'll go straight to hell!
Everyone hallelujah!

Every angel sings for the easter bunny
And the eggs he brings.

Hallelujah!

Christians pass the test
We are not semitic
Therefore we are blessed.

This isn't the girl for you

Ahhh!

This isn't the girl for you

Ahhh!

How can I stay cool and calm
When you don't praise the virgin mom?

This isn't the girl for you!

Yo, Dad. 'sup?
Uhh, I'm sorry - "Dad"?

What, you don't recognize me?
I'm yours and Casey's future son.
And I'm, like, beyond messed up So - thanks for that

You got me so confused
I don't know which way to choose
Do I celebrate christmas or chanukan?
Either way, I lose.

'Cause I don't know what to believe in
With the mixed signals I'm receivin'
Now, I don't fit into a box
I'm strung out with doubt and I can't detox.

Should I live life for the moment?
Or should I kneel and repent?
Do I believe the messiah's comin'
Or came and went?

I'm stuck and It's fuckin' depressin'
From all this perpetual guessin'
Don't mean to be preachy
But like nietzsche the nihilist
I'm thinkin' that God don't exist.

Do I cry at schindler's list
Or weep at the passion of the Christ?!
Everyone else both!

Should I shop retail
When there is no sale
Or kvetch that It's all overpriced?!
I'm gonna haunt you like a poltergeist!
My whole identity you're sacrieiced!

Why didn't you use a condom?!

Aaron...

(All in counterpoint)

This isn't the girl for you!

Not not for you!

This isn't the girl for you!

So true! So true!
Six thousand years of history
Are restin' on your head

If you married her
You'd kill me were I not already dead!

I won't have my grandkids raised on bagels,
Lox and cream cheese spread...

Christian father now let's review:

She's not a jew!

So this isn't the girl for you!

A shayna maydl but she doesn't spin the dreidel!

So this isn't the girl for you! Hey!