State of Isolation

I am alone, in person and in mind
Let one single moment start determining my life
It's like in the movies when the truth begins to blur
Everything slows down and then the words are sounding slurred
For a while it was rare to catch me being sober
My chances at a good life started looking like they're over
Hours turned to days, then days turned into weeks
My mind was cloaked in heavy fog and I could hardly speak
I was sworn to secrecy, I'd never say a name
I bottled up emotions and paint the mirror with the blame
Me frozen in time, the world would still go round
People come and go, they always dreamed they'd leave this town
They tell me come along, they say to grab their hand
Coated in my fears, my feet cemented to the land
They tell me they'll be back and they say that they send their love
But time went on and love stopped coming, I wasn't enough

My life is on pause, everyone's is on a play
Fuchsia pulsing hearts are now a sickly colored grey
I'm in a state of purgatory when I'm in the flesh
But in my mind a rainy day in hell at very best
Why am I alive, what am I giving to the world
I see myself as just another lost transgender girl
Life is so damn noisy so i'll find a quiet room
I close the door and lock it choosing life inside a tomb

Sometimes you need a break, even from yourself
They say that isolation can benefit your health
I'm covered in the calm and surrounded by the silence
It doesn't change the thoughts that run a blood red violent
I'm soaked in all the quiet and I don't feel very good
These feelings that I'm feeling are not feeling like they should
A state of isolation doesn't always equal peace
Unless you're ashes or six under below callused feet

I've been getting flowers, I throw them in the trash
I don't deserve the gifts because I survived my crash
They tell me that I'm strong and have so much life to live
But all I see is nothing that my life will ever give
I stopped answering calls and just avoided every face
I thought being alone was the kindest of a place
The quiet soothes for seconds and then it hurts my ears
Every moment stretches to feeling like they are years
I'm paralyzed in guilt and fear, I'm bound tight to my house
Inside is screams and howls, outside is like a mouse
I divert all the blame because I hate the taste of mad
My back teeth are eroding from chewing the crunch of sad
It's a taste I'm used to, right now I can't handle change
Sometimes the easy choice is to crop me from the frame
I'm a broken record just repeating the word no
They eventually stop asking and just know that they should go

My life is on pause, everyone's is on a play
Fuchsia pulsing hearts are now a sickly colored grey
I'm in a state of purgatory when I'm in the flesh
But in my mind a rainy day in hell at very best
Why am I alive, what am I giving to the world
I see myself as just another lost transgender girl
Life is so damn noisy so i'll find a quiet room
I close the door and lock it choosing life inside a tomb

Sometimes you need a break, even from yourself
They say that isolation can benefit your health
I'm covered in the calm and surrounded by the silence
It doesn't change the thoughts that run a blood red violent
I'm soaked in all the quiet and I don't feel very good
These feelings that I'm feeling are not feeling like they should
A state of isolation doesn't always equal peace
Unless you're ashes or six under below callused feet

Isolation's easier than telling you the truth
But it slowly coming out within this recording booth
Because I'm still alone I tell the ugly with some grace
In ways I can't say out of song or to another face
I'm ashamed of letting myself go as far as I have gone
Easy to dwell on battles mainly left unwon
Insecurity is easy when all you have is yourself
Take away any people, material or wealth
When it's me myself and I, we tend to lose our mind
Getting so wrapped up in things that we cannot quite yet leave behind
I watch the people fade away, they're never coming back
Isolation has it's rules, I'm alone gluing what has cracked
There's only so much damage that one person can fix
But I don't know if I'm ready to add others in the mix
So I'm thinking I'll keep trying to patch it all on my own
Let people walk away until I say that I have grown