Bah Humbug!

Long ago in London
18-hundred something
12 24, the day before Christmas
There's a greedy old geezer
Named Ebenezer
A mean man of money and of business
He never laughs, and he's never smiled
He's a total dick to man, woman, and child
And a total jerk to Bob Cratchit, his clerk
He hates Christmas and he hates fun
And he really hates you, he hates everyone
The only things he doesn't hate are making money and work

And if you say Happy Holidays!
He'll shout his favorite phrase
Bah Humbug!
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
There's no meaner dude
Than Ebenezer Scrooge
Bah Humbug!
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
If you see his frowning face
Just turn and run away
'Cause he's gonna come and ruin your day
There's no meaner dude than Ebenezer Scrooge

So Scrooge is working
And his clerk is clerking
When in walks Fred, Scrooge's nephew
Hi Scrooge, Merry Christmas
What the hell is this?
Merry Christmas, uncle
God bless you!
What's so merry about it, Fred?
Aren't you still super poor?
Aren't you still in debt?
Well, what's so shitty about it Scrooge?
You're still rich

(Hmph)
Uncle Scrooge, I'm just saying hey
And inviting you to dinner on Christmas Day
You're my family, even though you're a total dick
Scrooge looks in his nephew's face
He knows the perfect thing to say

Bah Humbug!
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
Christmas with you and your wife?
I'd rather take my own life
Bah Humbug!
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
Goodbye! Good afternoon!
Okay, I love you too!

Fred, he's not surprised
He always knew
There's no meaner dude than Ebenezer Scrooge
Just then
Two men
Come up to the door
Requesting
Collecting
Donations for the poor
They don't know, that Scrooge is greedy
That he doesn't care about the needy
So they ask old Ebenezey
Please show some love
Scrooge kicks them out with a big ol'
Bah Humbug!

Here's my man, Bob Cratchit
Wrapped up in a warm jacket
'Cause Scrooge keeps the place freakin' freezing
Um, Mr. Scrooge, sir?
Not to be rude, sir
Goddamnit Cratchit, start speaking!
Well you see, my family
They're kind of a real big deal to me
His words trails off in a voice, timid and soft

And I was thinking, since tomorrow's Christmas
And generally a pretty slow day for business
Let me guess Bob, you'd like tomorrow off?
(Yes, yes sir)
So let me get this straight
You don't work, but still get paid?
Why don't you just rob me, Bobby?
Or steal food from my plate?
You're lucky I'm so understanding
Even though you're so demanding
Okay, have your way
Come in early the following day!
But before you go, please wait
There's something I need to say

Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
The sun goes down on London Town
Scrooge closes up and he heads out
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)

He gets back home but doesn't know
This Christmas he won't be alone
And though the day is done
Scrooge's tale has just begun
Let's see how he does this Christmas
'Cause it's the story of

The meanest man there ever was (Bah Humbug!)
The rudest dude you ever knew
Bah Humbug! (Bah Humbug!)
The crabbiest
Scumbaggiest
The grouchiest (Bah Humbug!)
The frowniest (Bah Humbug!)
The angriest hater
The crankiest neighbor (Bah Humbug!)
The greediest geezer
The cruelest creature
No one meaner than Ebenezer Scrooge!