Apologies

I look at my broken hands
And something just
Doesn't feel right
The harder I look at them
The further away I feel with time
I am told that I am loved
But why are those words trivial like me
How can you say you love me
But this one part
Not accept me
Maybe what they all said
What they said
Will all soon come to past
Maybe what those kids did
What they did
The pain of it will always last
Maybe all of this is my fault
Maybe the culprit is simply a reflection
But whatever the case may be
I need inner peace
No more deflection
Firstly, I didn't choose this life
How could I when I didn't even know about it
Like a deer in the headlights, my heart stopped
Beating when those feelings began to grow
Something so unfamiliar
But something that felt right
That twelve year old was so confused
But because of the climate I was in
I stayed quiet relying on my own solitude
I watched my classroom size get smaller
Cause someone outed a truth that wasn't meant to be
Shared yet
One day we'd have fun at recess
The next day any evidence of them was decimated
Like a group execution, I'll always feel like a coward
For not joining rank with them
Dying for something that was true
Dying for a feeling that was true
Soon after, I fell to those rumored truths
Being dragged to the bathroom by my hoodie
Gasping for air as the hoodie wrapped 'round my neck
Gasping for air as I watched people laugh at me
After, I stayed quiet, fearing for my own safety
Remembering the pressure that was against my neck
So many lost loves because I carried that pain with me
So many hurt hearts because I carried that pain with me
When I decided to come out with my truth, it was
Shot down with the assumption that it was all a
Phase
So many nights spent crying into my pillow just
Praying that God would just take it away
But he didn't, but he didn't, and I was left there with
This burden
A burden no child should have to deal with alone
I should've been happy then, but instead I kept
Pondering on why this world had to be so cruel and
So cold
To all those I tried to love, i'm sorry I couldn't commit
Myself to you fully
And that I let fear stop me from loving you truly
I pray that you can accept this apology
I live as Lauron on a piece of paper
But there is no Lauron living inside of me
I live as Lauron on a piece of paper
But there is no Lauron living inside of me
There is no Lauron living inside of me
I'm so sorry
Please forgive me