Black

I never thought I would write about this
But I've convinced myself enough to acknowledge
That it deserves a space in my pages
Just like every other topic

So if I'm being completely transparent
Some nights I still question why it even happened
But all I know is I still blame myself
And feel that I deserved it

Yet you know I find it completely ironic because
If this would have happened to anyone else that I'm close with
I would tell them the exact opposite
That their bodies don't deserve to be treated like a piece of meat
For someone else's advantage
In order to fulfill their self momentary satisfaction
Despite the amount of alcohol in their system

And you know I don't know
All I can say is is that I wasn't me during this period of time
Physically I was just going through the motions
Mentally I was deteriorating
And constantly engulfed in the numbness
I refused to take any medication
But I still acknowledged and accepted it from the pharmacist
Just so I could keep adding to my collection
For the sole purpose of maintaining a backup plan
Just in case I went through with another attempt

In a multitude of ways I was careless
Towards any of my decisions that directly affected my health
Because I didn't want any help

I never really went to this bar to begin with but it's convenient
It's literally right across the parking lot in front of my apartment complex
I had just gotten off of work walked my dog
And I figured I would only be there for a brief minute
So I didn't even bother changing out of my uniform
My stomach had been empty all day
But to me it was okay
Because I wasn't hungry anyway
I knew that in order for me to be able to keep drinking
I had to have at least something in my tummy

One meal and a couple drinks later
You took a seat a couple rows away from me
Asking me for my name and having conversation
It eventually led to me explaining to you that I had not one bit of interest
I said "the only way that I would sleep with you was if I were wasted
And besides I'd be thinking of someone else the whole time"
Maybe it was harsh but it was honest
I figured you would get the hint
And I guess you didn't

Fast forward a bit
I had become a little tipsy
Shots were bought for me
And I took them unapologetically

Now you're closer to me
You buy me a drink even when I told you previously
That I'm grown and that I could buy my own
I had Jameson the whole night as I usually do as my go to
He asks "you drink tequila"
"Yeah"
"I bet you have to chase and make a face"
One shot of Tequila later

It's black

All I know is
I couldn't go back and track anything after that
For you even if I wanted to
Maybe it was egotistical of me
But the moment that I heard I couldn't do something
I had no hesitation with the liquid touching my lips
When I subconsciously knew that I shouldn't

It's black

What's in my mouth
I can't focus everything is still blurry
Where am I
Why am I turned around
I can't feel anything but I feel you

It's 4 am on a Friday work morning
I don't know where my phone is
Oh there it is it's dead
You finish I pick up all of my clothing
And head to my place to leave without saying anything
Not remembering a single thing

I put my shower on full heat to give endless steam
Making my vision get blurry just like my memory

I headed to work two hours early
Grabbed breakfast
Received a heaven sent negative HIV test
And had been injected with IV fluid
In order to help everything process
With proper nutrition and hydration
Knowing I'm still not sober enough

I sat alone in silence knowing that I'm in denial
And I don't want to accept what just happened but it did

You find out my Instagram information the next day to let me know
That I forgot a piece of clothing at your place and you wanted to give it to me
I didn't care about it honestly
All I cared enough for was to retrieve every lost puzzle piece
In my scatterbrained memory
Even if was unfortunately one sided

To keep it short I asked enough questions
To help with my sanity and apparently
I made a move on you
Before you dropped me off at my room

According to you
The next thing you knew I went with you
I explained that the last thing I could remember was being at the bar
I don't remember walking home being with you
Being in your bedroom
I don't know what's true

All I know is is this gut feeling with a guilty conscious
Saying that I shouldn't have put myself in that position
But I don't know it takes two to tango

Am I crazy

Why am I even second guessing or questioning
If what you did to me was okay
And that I deserved it
Why am I not validating
My own emotions from this event

I'm out here asking hypothetical questions to my closet friends that are men
And speaking to them in third person
Asking if this is assault or even rape
Or if these words are being manipulative
If my if this situation is even relevant
Yet here I am doing just that
How does that make any sense

And you know I still feel dirty
After all these months I still feel distant from my own body
I take full responsibility for not acknowledging my surroundings
But couldn't you see that the alcohol had me disoriented

I mentioned to you previously that I was by no means interested
You saw the opportunity and you took advantage
Don't even try to deny it because you did
I still can't even describe how it was
Because I was blackout drunk and numb

All I see is fragmented images
And it's still not enough
Maybe I should consider myself lucky
That I don't remember anything
Because the thought of you on me is still unsettling

I don't even know your name
But I still remember the way
That I couldn't feel you in between my legs

I had every opportunity to leave
I should have followed my intuition
And headed back to my apartment
But I stayed anyways

All it took was one poor decision
That's all it took
One shift could have made all the difference